The One
by next-adventure
Summary: AU after book four. A new prophecy, a different life, a broken child and a harsh world. does feature abuse and other nasties REVIEW PLEASE edited 19/09/08 ch's1-5
1. Prologue Something New

_Prologue- __Something new_

_The One must fall_

_The One must fall so the many can live_

_The One must fall_

_For as the One falls to darkness the light around the One will shine brighter_

_The One must fall_

_As the One falls the shadow will follow and the light will prevail_

HPTO HPTO HPTO HPTO HPTO HPTO

Thump…a black eye…smack...collision with the wall...and the floor…thud…..a broken boy on the floor…kick…a broken rib, a bruised stomach …sick on the floor...swish…a belt…crack…a welt on his back…laughter…footsteps…dragging…throwing…locking…a cupboard…darkness, overwhelming darkness…and so it begins.

"BOY, UP, NOW". Ahhh the lovely shrieking tones of his Aunt first thing in the morning, life is good. HAHA like that was ever true but at least he was back to boy, which was something at least. In the last month many things had changed in the Dursley household and after being subjected to many punishments for infringement of these rules Harry was firmly established back in his cupboard. This was some feat as the newly turned 15 year old and soon to be fifth year at Hogwarts could still fit in the cupboard under the stairs. School had been over for over a month or maybe longer, time had lost all meaning, and Harry's birthday had gone unnoticed…by everyone.

When he had returned home he knew something was up and he was right to be worried. After last summer and Dudley's tongue and Aunt Marge the year before Vernon Dursley Was pissed...and that was an understatement. The threat of Sirius had no effect, "If that bum cared about you at all you wouldn't be here you worthless freak," and Harry had been relegated to slave status. These rules came with harsh punishments and little to no food and with no contact from any of his friends Harry begin to slip into a depression that wouldn't shift.

He knew in the deep recesses of his mind that not all of those that he considered friends were truly his friends. He wasn't naïve and knew that the vast majority of the wizarding population saw him as the-boy-who-lived rather than the boy that he truly was. No one saw him for who he was, they wanted the perfect savior ready to fight and defend at the drop of a hat. No one wanted a short scrawny nobody as a savior and so he changed, put o a front as it were while at school, he showed them what they wanted to see. They saw him as a goof in lessons, so he didn't try as hard, a star seeker, so he pulled death defying stunts in order to win, he showed them what they wanted but slowly he felt as though he was dying inside.

"BOY NOW". Well here goes another day.

He climbed out of the cupboard and went to the kitchen ready for another day and as he stepped into the room all his training came into action. _Rule One don't look them in the eyes, eyes on the floor always. Rule two don't talk unless spoken to and the keep it short. Always say sir or ma'am. _There had been many harsh lessons while he had resided in the Dursley's residence and they weren't lessons that he would soon forget.

He knew, he had always known, that the way the Dursley's treated him wasn't right. The way they treated their own son wasn't right either but he had it much, much worse. To be over fed, spoiled and pampered wasn't the stuff that led to a fulfilling and meaningful life but to be starved and beaten was hell.

Walking into his first day of school was terrifying, what if they thought that he was so stupid that they sent him back to his Aunt and Uncles and he wasn't allowed to return. The beating that he would have received would have been the stuff of nightmares but to live his young life doing nothing but cooking and cleaning and gardening under the watchful eyes of his glaring Aunt would have been miserable. So he knew then that he had to try and be perfect, but then the embarrassment came, he was wearing hideous clothes that were made to look sort of like the uniform everyone else had but it was a poor attempt and he looked ridiculous, even at his young age he knew that and he stared forlornly at the other children and their pristine uniforms, and his cousin running around and laughing and playing. And, he already feeling like the reject stood to the side waiting to go into his new classroom. She called out names, his young teacher Miss Honeygold or something, and she called out Harry Potter , it was near the end of the register and there were only a few of them left, and he stood there completely oblivious while all the others confirmed there names. She stepped in front of him bent down and asked if he was Harry Potter and he agreed what else could he do. He was always known as _boy_ or _freak _at home but he knew that couldn't be his real name so he took his book bag and sat down where he was asked to, and he could see Dudley grinning at him and mouthing _I'm telling dad. _And he knew at that moment that life for him would always be hard, hard and miserable.

"Boy, it is time for you to go back to the god forsaken school and you will…refrain from speaking about your summer, am I understood".

Ahhh, Vernon, "Yes sir". What would he say, and who would he say it to. No one would believe him if he told them half of what his life had been like. He was lucky though, he thought, he knew that some kids had it worse than he did. He knew about sexual abuse from his cupboard he could hear the television sometimes and there had been the odd story occasionly about some kid being adopted and their one of their parents taken to court for abuse. So he knew that it could be much worse for him, he only spent the summer in this house and they never touched him really. Uncle Vernon had once or twic, when his aunt and cousin were out of the house, just a quick grope and lewd comment about waiting for the right time, but never anything that he would call abuse, it had stopped quickly, over in seconds and sometimes he wondered if it was his imagination, why would anyone _want_ to touch him?

"You will regret it if someone does you freak"…smack…"And that's a reminder for you, and we will decide whether you are to return for Christmas am I understood?"

"Yes sir". _Eyes down, remember eyes down, no matter what _he_ says, don't forget the rules, rules are important._

"You had better Boy. Go get your stuff in the car and make sure you're covered up, and quick or you won't go".

He scurried from the room in disbelief, the whole summer gone. Quickly he got ready, not that it took long, he hadn't unpacked. Detention was a sure thing as he hadn't done any homework. And now for the first time as he prepared to walk through the barrier on to the Hogwarts Express he found himself dreading the start of term.

He was sore and in pain, he couldn't cope if one of the others hugged him, he had noticed how thin he had gotten but it didn't really bother him that much, what was a little weight if it made sure he was still small enough to play seeker for the Gryffindor team. But he knew if they touched him they would notice the pain he was sure he couldn't hide, the mixture of sunburn form tending the garden and the bruises from the beatings had left their toll on his weak body. Once he was back at Hogwarts He would be able to use magic and could lesson the pain and hide all the bruises but until then he needed to avoid everyone.

He was early to the platform this morning he knew that. The rest of his so called _family_ had decided to come to London and shop and see a show, which really meant buying Dudley lots of expensive things in order to make sure he stayed quiet during the show and then more things after because _my sweet diddykins was such a lovely sweet boy_. It almost made him sick how his aunt doted on the fat pig, he did nothing and yet he got everything and as much as he didn't want to sound like a little, moaning baby it wasn't fair.

So he pushed his way through on to the not so crowded platform that was 9 and ¾. Luckily he knew from experience that the Weasley's and Hermione wouldn't be here yet. He knew that the Weasley's always ran late and he had a suspicion that Hermione had been staying with Ron as the one letter they had bothered to send came at the same time and both owls came in and left together although he only recognized Pig he didn't recognize the other one and knew that Hermione didn't have her own.

They had both apologized about not being able to see him over the holidays and Ron had spouted some rubbish about, Dumbledore and it not being safe, his dad only managing to get tickets for his family to the world cup and how it would be nice for him to spend some time with just his family. But the bit that topped it all off was the comment about how Harry should be grateful to spend time with his own family as _in times like these we should stick with family you should be grateful you have any left and with Voldemort back now well it's family isn't it. Bye mate._

He had been furious, Ron knew some of what his so called _family_ had done and Dark Lord or not he thought that he had been welcomed into the Weasley family but apparently not. So here he was alone, sitting in a carriage on the Hogwarts express and he couldn't enjoy the though of going back to Hogwarts, or seeing the others or being able to do magic again because in the back of his mind he felt like he was slowly dying.

AN: First chappie of first story EVER feed back would be appreciated. I will up load when I can but am uni student with a job as well and demands are high lol tell me what you think!! next-adventure updated 19/9/08


	2. Ch1 Journey

_So here he was alone, sitting in a carriage on the Hogwarts express and he couldn't enjoy the though of going back to Hogwarts, or seeing the others or being able to do magic again because in the back of his mind he felt like he was slowly dying..._





Ahhh sweet relief, the comfort of just sitting, no noise, and no pressure just him. Harry laughed; shocked that he could still do so but happy that he had made it to the train without having to talk to anyone. He knew this wouldn't last but for the time being everything else was forgotten. He was _the_ Harry Potter after all there were expectations. Here in the wizarding world he was the _boy-who-lived, _a savior and everyone expected him to be able to off Voldemort with no problems. When he used to go to school with Dudley, he was the weird one, the cousin, the dumb one. And at that place, which he wouldn't, no couldn't call home he was worse than the dirt on their shoes, good enough to cook, but not good enough to actually eat that food, good enough to clean, but worthless enough to not receive a proper home from. And finally good enough to beat and…yeah good enough to beat but not worthy of a name, he was freak, he was boy and he was _it_.

He glance at the cheap watch that he had on his wrist, it was only about half 10 so he didn't expect to see the others for a little while yet, they were probably still on the platform saying goodbye to their family, to people that loved them enough to wave goodbye as they set off for another year at school. Parents that actually looked at their report cards and praised the good marks while chastising the bad rather. Rather then the relatives that he had, who punished indiscriminately for bad and good behavior alike, who punished him because they had been sent the report card and burned the letter without ever opening it, what was the point in being studious if you just got punished for it.

The depressing thoughts continued to swirl around his brain pushing into every fiber of his being until he couldn't take it any longer. He dove as quickly as his battered body would allow into his trunk fishing around until he brought out his prize, the one thing that allowed him to keep going, a small razor blade and an old rag he had found in the garage while cleaning and the two items had become like best friends to him replacing the need for Ron and Hermione.

He tugged on the sleeve of shirt careful to make sure that it was out the way and slowly slide the blade across the flesh on his arm. Once, twice, three times and pain that he had been feeling, both the physical and emotional disappeared into the feeling of power and control.

This was him, his blade, his arm, his pain and his blood and no one could take that away from him. He controlled how many cuts, how deep and how neat, and the perfectly formed slices in his arm were his art. Many at various stages of healing, some scarred or scabbing and new newest one slowly bleeding and he dabbed them gently with the rag, with a reverence uncommon to most his age. They were his art, his way of surviving, and as he pulled his sleeve down and packed away his things, his _friends,_ he felt a pang of loss that he couldn't see the perfectly formed lines anymore.

BANG

"Ronald do you have to be so careless all the time", so Hermione and Ron were here then. But Harry missed Ron's response as he had jumped up, all control of his body gone as the rules the Dursley's had imprinted on him came into effect. _Rule three; don't sit until you are given permission and no sitting on the furniture, "It's the floor for you, you worthless freak you won't soil my furniture with your…nastiness."_

"Err…Harry what are you doing exactly?"

It would be Hermione to ask, just my luck. Stupid Dursley's making me do stupid things. Stay clam, don't panic they know nothing…yet. Just relax eyes down, make something up, you can do it. Oh yeah…stop talking to yourself and answer.

He looked partially up, gave a sheepish grin and replied, "Nothing you just made me jump is all, I think I'm gonna read for a bit." And with that he plonked himself back down on a chair, pulled out a book and started to read, but the internal monologue continued for a while.

God I'm such a freak, the Dursley's got that one right Hermione and Ron probably think I'm freaking nuts at the moment. And noooo the _boy-who-lived _can't possibly have any problems can he. And now I'm talking to myself, first sign of madness, although it's not like they bothered to write over the summer but oh now we're back at school I'm suddenly good enough to talk to again, why can't I just die, or sleep, or be alone just away from here would be good.

"Come on mate talk to us we haven't seen you all summer", Ron commented, lightly with no care.

"Well it's not my fault is it? You're the one that thought we should all be with _our _family and it's not like you made much effort to talk to me until now."

"That's not fair Harry you can't blame this on Ron."

"I'm not…I just…look never mind I don't want to fight with you guys I just want to read ok?"

"Oh I'm so proud of you Harry, reading your potions book before class." Harry didn't respond just turned back to the potions book, luckily Hermione hadn't noticed it was last years book or more 

comments would have been made but with the tournament last year he hadn't had much time to study and although he pushed the same frivolous attitude towards school work that Ron did he honestly did care about his grades.





A couple of hours into the journey and Harry was beginning to feel antsy, he needed to cut, the stress of seeing Ron and Hermione was bad enough but within the first few minutes Ginny had come into the carriage and all but jumped him. She was nice enough but Harry wasn't sure that that was the way he _swung_ as it were and Ginny definitely did nothing for him.

The idea of being with someone that so closely resembled his mother made him sick, he had always thought of her as Ron's little sister but now it seemed she wanted something more and he wasn't the person to give it to her. Thankfully Malfoy had yet to interrupt them and he had heard that he was much further down the train, and after gaining no reaction from Harry Ginny had also left the carriage in search of _other more interesting people. _

"Harry. OY Harry." Said boy looked up an eyebrow raised. "I called like 6 times. Me and Hermione were made prefects so we have to go to a meeting and then patrol the train for a bit so _you're_ on your own." Ron continued in a smug way puffing out his chest with self importance. At this point Harry noticed that the two of them were both wearing robes and had prefect badges pinned proudly on the front.

"Sure…congratulations I suppose." He replied not missing the pointed way that Ron had said he would be on his own, Hermione, though book smart she may be was completely oblivious to the mounting tension in the room said goodbye to Harry and ushered Ron out the room talking about everything she had read in _Hogwarts A History_ about prefects and their duties.

Harry remained in the carriage, thankful that he was alone at last. Now that he was on the train _and _alone he could cast the few spells that he thought would have to wait till he went to bed, now. A simple locking charm on the door and he began.

Easing the pain on his body and casting glamours over the bruises he remembered the charm to conceal his height. He wasn't stupid he knew that he was massively short for his height and he blamed that on the Dursley's but he also knew that if anyone at school found out he would never live it down, he knew what was expected of him when he first entered the wizarding world and began researching glamour spells immediately.

He found this spell in the library one night after he had the invisibility cloak and it took weeks to learn but eventually he got it and had been using it ever since. He re-cemented the glamour with his magic ensuring that it was functioning properly and took out his blade to make a few cuts. The few extra cuts allowed him to finally relax and he drifted into an uncomfortable sleep plagued by the Dursley's, Cedric and the night in the graveyard.





A small shake on his shoulder alerted him to the fact that someone was nears, and he flinched slightly before opening his eyes bring the world back into focus. "You need to get changed Harry we're almost there." Gentle prompting from Hermione soon had him in the bathroom with his uniform tucked under his arm.

As he looked at his own reflection in the mirror he wanted to scream, break things and…and...collapse on the floor in a heap. Even the glamours couldn't hide how dead his eyes looked as they stared back lifelessly at they body he knew wasn't really his. Oh he looked healthy enough nothing he couldn't pass off as a rough night and long train ride but he knew what truly laid under the layer of spells that hid his true appearance.

Why him, why now, and why couldn't he just go to bed and forget about everything. He didn't want to eat, and he certainly didn't want to sit in the great hall with all those people. Too much time with the Dursley's had tainted his view of the world and himself. He had eaten this morning, not much but he had eaten so he didn't _need_ to eat now but there would be people watching and they would expect him to eat. It surprised him sometimes that Ron wasn't fat with the amount that he ate but then again with the amount that came flying out when he spoke he supposed only a portion of what went into his mouth actually made it down to his stomach.

It was bad enough though that the new firsties would be staring at the _famous Harry Potter _but to know that he was only about their height just made it all the more embarrassing. Oh well there was nothing much he could do about it, hopefully there wouldn't be too many first years and the feast would be over quickly then he could go to his room cut and sleep.

He quickly made his way back to the carriage that he had been in to put his clothes hastily back into his trunk, the train was stopping but more importantly Hermione was threatening to hex him if he didn't hurry up and that girl could be vindictive if she put her mind to it, and he liked his clothes where they were thank you very much.





The carriages drew up to the school and they quickly found seats at their table, the first years were sorted, the feast began, and a new year started. No one noticed that the boy-who-lived had food but wasn't eating, smiled but wasn't happy, laughed but found no joy. No one noticed as he simply moved through the motions of being the boy they wanted him to be just as no one noticed his height, his weight or the numerous cuts that littered his arm in an attempt to survive.

Laughter rang through the common room late in to the night but Harry was missing. Up in his room, reveling in the privacy he had for just that short time he made two cuts, one for Ron and one for Hermione. No one really noticed he was missing from the celebrations of a new year, old friends catching up on what they did over the summer. One who did, however, was basking in the attention he received from not having to be the side kick, with Harry not there it was finally about him and he would get the attention he deserved.





AN HEHE I updated didn't think I would so soon but have been able to. Hope you like it and please review I need all the help I can get…and maybe some men in white coats, a straight jacket and a padded cell but that's another story. REVIEW  updated 19/9/08


	3. Ch2 there and back

_Laughter rang through the common room late in to the night but Harry was missing. Up in his room, revelling in the privacy he had for just that short time he made two cuts, one for Ron and one for Hermione. No one really noticed he was missing from the celebrations of a new year, old friends catching up on what they did over the summer. One who did, however, was basking in the attention he received from not having to be the side kick, with Harry not there it was finally about him and he would get the attention he deserved._





Days turned to weeks as Harry continued to sink into an abyss that only got larger. Classes were as normal and although there were a few… complications in the beginning slowly Harry began to sink back in to what every one expected him to be. He went to class, and got moderate grades, _Rule four; you are worthless and can only do better than others by cheating _and he was used to this by now, if he did well than he was punished and similarly if he did poorly than he was punished. Ok so he could forget how well he did as it didn't matter he would be punished so do ok and the professors won't notice you.

It wasn't the most logical of thoughts and he knew that but generally as long as he did mediocre with the Dursley's than it wasn't too bad, as long as he did worse than Dudley but the teachers didn't comment on him than he was pretty safe. He applied the same logic to Hogwarts. So long as he did average, just ok then no one would really notice him and he certainly didn't need the extra attention.





Life it seemed was going ok. Remus was back to teaching defense which seemed fantastic. Harry had always liked Remus and although he wasn't teaching all the time due to his condition he did teach half of the classes along with an auror form the ministry, Kingsley Shacklebolt. Professor Shacklebolt turned out to be a very enthusiastic teacher, Harry supposed that going from being an auror to teacher was a bit of a change and so he liked to do as much practical work as possible with Remus sometimes there as extra support.

This was fine but Harry had noticed that he was very tired this year. The Detentions he had received for not doing his summer work had taken up a lot of his time especially after the teachers had a conference and discovered that he had done none of the set work. But it was also more then that, he felt so lethargic all the time. He couldn't seem to bring himself to care all that much about anything, not school work or quidditch and it was beginning to show.

This was shown after a particularly bad potions lesson; he went through the motions of slicing and stirring but not really paying attention to what he was doing. Neville was near meltdown, Ron was grumbling about the smell, Hermione was preening over her perfect concoction and he just couldn't bring himself to care. Until he felt a vice like grip on his wrist as he went to add the next ingredient.

"Adding fluxweed to that potion is not only unnecessary but will also blow your cauldron up are you completely stupid or do you want to endanger the lives of everyone in this room?"

Harry stood there unsure of what to say, on one hand he didn't want to hurt anyone but at the same time he couldn't bring himself to care all that much. "Get out Potter until you can think I don't want you in this classroom."

Surprisingly it was this event that led to the situation he now faced in his defense class and why Remus being back as a Professor suddenly didn't seem quite as great as it had when he first found out.

"Harry stay after class please, the rest of you dismissed." The rest of the class walked from the room, Harry could hear sniggers from the Syltherins about what he had done this time, and he saw Ron and Hermione hanging back in the hopes of staying with him although Ron seemed to be trying to drag Hermione out rather than stay. He saw Ron mutter something to Hermione and she nodded as they both left the room, he didn't know why but sometimes they seemed to be glued to his side watching his every move and the next distant and never around. They were like ghosts wondering around behind him talking between them but watching every move he made.

After the tri-wizard tournament and the events of the previous year Harry was unsure about his friendship with Ron. It seemed that these days he only appeared interested in spending time with Harry when professors were around or when he was with Hermione watching his every move. It's not that he particularly minded or anything, with them not talking to him he didn't have to worry about talking back but he had always wondered how much Ron and Hermione liked him and how much they liked the _boy-who-lived. _Hermione never grew up with the stories about him but Ron had and he always seemed to make some comment about fame and money like that was all that was important.

It's not like he believed it all the time and they had been really good friends since they first started Hogwarts but now as Harry looked back he realized that some things just didn't quite add up. Comments made that he had let slip, faces pulled and nudges to do certain things, even his and Ron's first meeting on the train. He felt pushed into being a certain person whether it was really him or not.

"Harry, how have you been?" That's right he was still with Professor Lupin.

"I'm fine professor, why do you ask?" There, that was easy enough, just stay calm, he knows nothing.

"I just worry about you Harry its part of being old, but what happened in potions worries me, worries everyone. It's not like you to make such a careless mistake."

"Oh, well don't worry about me I'm just fine, you know same old, same old. I was just having an off day that day you know how it can be."

"Well I will cut to the chase then Harry, as there are a number of things that I have to tell you. The first being that you have been back in school for over a month now and although you managed to complete all your homework from the summer in your detentions it was not up to the standard that we usually see from you especially in defense." _Ahhh so that's what he wanted to talk about, maybe my heart will slow down a bit._

"It's nothing really, I mean I'm sorry about not doing it over the summer but I think that maybe the work is just harder this year...I just you know…I'm not that smart I'm not Hermione you know."

"Don't give me that Harry, this isn't a joke" Lupin stood up and walked round his desk so that he was mere inches from Harry, "The work isn't too difficult for you, you just aren't trying. I'm at my wits end. You don't pay attention in class and the detentions you received at the beginning of the year seem to have had no effect on you whatsoever. It's like you just don't want to be here anymore."

Oh shite, please let this be the end I can't stand to have one more person disappointed in me. "I…I just…you see…"

Oh crap now I'm hyperventilating, stupid, stupid, stupid.

"HARRY," Lupin yelled, oh right he's still here, "Calm down."

Calm down, calm down. He's one to talk my world is starting to fall apart and he tells me too bloody calm down.

"That's it Harry relax your ok," hmm I wonder when I sat down. "Now are you ok?"

"Yes sir, I'm fine now." He let out a soft sigh before continuing. "I know this isn't a joke sir I do and I want to be here I just…"

"I know Harry, last year was tough and returning to the Dursley's for the whole summer must have been tough for you not seeing your friends but you are protected there and it can help to be round family." At Harry's nod he continued. "That is why Professor Dumbledore and the rest of the faculty have decided it would be best if you returned home for a week or two. We know it may not be where you would like to go and without your friends but…."

"Then why are you making me go?"This is ridiculous they can't do this, that is the singular most stupid thing that I have ever heard in my life and I lived with Dudley.

"Please don't interrupt Harry, but in answer to your question it is felt that if you have some time away from here in some where familiar to you, you can relax sort out your feelings and come back ready to have a fresh start. Go home, relax and talk to your family, sort out how you're feeling and then you can come back recharged and ready to go. Of course, you will be given some work to do while you are away so you don't fall to far behind but really this is to benefit you. We are all worried about you, _I _am worried about you and this is all we can come up with to help you. You won't talk to me maybe you will talk to your family."

"But…but professor I... I'm really fine there's no need…"

"Harry, this is not up for discussion. The decision has been made I am merely letting you know. Now you need to go pack your things and then you will be travelling straight to your Aunts house so off you go."

"But really Professor…please don't make me go." Harry was not above pleading especially if it got him away from the Dursley's.

"Don't make me ask again Harry." Professor Lupin responded.

"I HATE YOU AND EVERYONE ELSE THIS IS SO UNFAIR," Harry yelled as he walked out the door, but had he waited he would have heard Lupin sigh and respond, "I know Harry, but you need this, you are falling apart and there's nothing I can do to stop it." A single tear falling down his cheek, the worry shining in his amber eyes.





Elsewhere, more specifically the Gryffindor boy's dorm a young and troubled boy was throwing things into his trunk mentally battling with himself to just runaway. Grabbing the blade and cloth he quickly made his way in to the shared bathroom and locked himself in one the stools. Quickly he rolled up his sleeves and made a few precise slices into his arm the sudden sting of pain.

He moved back into the room stashing the blade in his trunk packing the few things he had removed in a calmer manner than before. This new found peace seemed to shatter as his best friend walked in to the room. He still didn't know how he felt about Ron he went from cold to hot at the drop of a hat and after the betrayal last year when he was entered in to the triwizard tournament he couldn't bring himself to see him in the same way.

"What's up mate, you seem a bit…stressed."Ron Weasley what a way with words that boy has and ever one to state the obvious, the apparent concern was lost however when Harry looked up to see the smug face of his best friend.

"Nothing except for me being sent back to the Dursley's, so no big deal."

"Well, that's not too bad, I know there're gits but at least they don't hit you or anything so it could be worse. I mean I would love the chance to go home and relax." That's what you think Ron, if only you knew what they were really like, especially Vernon. "Although you have been slipping recently mate I mean being a prefect is great I spend so much time with Hermione just walking round the castle together. You have so much more time than us to study and yet I'm the one with the better grades and the girl."

"If you're just here to make me feel bad Ron than just go, you can't make me feel worse than I already do." Harry was exasperated, who needed enemies when he had friends like these. Well more like this really, he never noticed before but Ron was really his only male friend he was always there taking hus attention and stopping others like Neville from even talking to him.

"No can do Harry, for some reason Professor McGonagall has asked me to accompany you to the Headmasters office. I wonder why," he paused tapping his finger against his chin in a thoughtful manner. "Oh that's right they all finally figured out that you're a nut job. Can't leave little Potty all on his own now can we?"

"What the hell Ron? What do you think Hermione will say if she hears what you just said?"

"Harry, Harry, Harry. She won't believe you no one will. Why believe poor friends Harry over Ron the prefect. I told you I have better grades, I got the girl and I have more friends. Who did you have but me and Hermione?" He paused. "That's right no one, not one single person, so leave your trunk and let's go. The house elves are taking that but I'm not wasting all day with you."

With that Ron walked over grabbed Harry by the arm and pushed him out the room. Harry struggled to keep his footing as he walked down the stairs with Ron surreptitiously trying to trip him every so often.

When they eventually reached Dumbledore's office Ron left and as he stood in front of Lupin and Dumbledore and was told of their grand plan for him he couldn't help but feel this would be the worst visit home yet. And with that and the final goodbyes being called to him he turned his back without a word and flooed home.

In the circular office the two men turned to each other and the younger of the two whispered, "We are doing the right thing aren't we Albus," as he silently slipped from the room. The older replying, "I hope so my boy, I truly hope so."





Thousands of miles away in a picture perfect house in Little Whinging, Surrey a young boy looked up in to the manic face of his uncle and true fear settled into his heart. He knew that his relatives never held any real love for him. If they had they never would have made him live in the cupboard under the stairs but they did.

"It's been a long time_ boy _and I have some nice things to share with you, and don't worry Petunia's out at her book club"

Hours later Harry was curled in the small cupboard trying his best to comfort himself. Black dots flickered around the edge of his sight but he tried to ignore it along with the excruciating pain. Vernon had decided that now as the right time to make Harry really earn his keep. Harry knew now that his uncle had always liked him in a way that wasn't natural but he never thought that it would go this far.

He had begged and pleaded with his uncle, promised he would do anything and everything he could but it had not stopped the man from stripping him down and abusing his body. He had been poked and pierced, hit, slapped and cut and then his uncle had done _it. _The one thing that Harry had and he had taken it away like it meant nothing at all.

No kind words or soothing touches, it was not how he imagined his first time would be and it hurt much more than the physical pain. The grunting and groaning as his body was used and then just thrown away he almost felt sick to touch himself and he wanted to scrub himself raw to get rid of the smell and touch of his uncle. Instead he was curled in his cupboard not knowing what would happen to him next.

What seemed like days later and Vernon had just said goodbye to his wife. She was going out shopping and for tea with a friend and he had come home for lunch_ in order to keep an eye on the freak _he told Petunia but Harry had an idea of what might happen.

It didn't stop the fear though when he was dragged in to the spare bedroom and tied face down to the bed. Panic edged into his brain as he remembered how painful this was going to be. As Vernon lowered his trousers and climbed on top of him, his incredible weight pushing him further in to the bed, the pain and abuse began. What seemed like hours later Vernon's grunting became louder and he forcibly grabbed Harry's member rubbing in rhythm with his pounding and they came together, one in pain, one in pleasure.

This continued on for five days most of the time a few times a day. Vernon forced Harry to take pleasure in the acts that were forced upon his unwilling body. In this sense Harry was very naïve he had yet to have the understanding that his reactions were involuntary that a reaction such as his could be forced out in this situation.

Harry later found out Vernon had booked a weeks holiday when he found out Harry was coming home. The reason for all the extra visits was because he was no longer constrained by his lunch hour, he had as long as he wanted. His aunt never took much notice of what was going on at first he believed that she had no idea but that hope was shattered not far into the first week when he told her in the hopes she would help him.

"_Of course I know what he does you idiotic boy. You think I don't hear what he does, what you drive him to do. I know you have done something to him other wise he wouldn't touch you. You're a perverted little freak but so long as I don't have to see it and the neighbours don't know he can keep taking you for all I care."_

"_But ma'am it hurts so much and I don't want this, I never wanted this please just stop him please."_

"_You had just better shut up and get back in that cupboard I don't want to hear it. If he's hurting you that can only be a good thing maybe you will finally learn your place."_

The beating that night had been the worse to date and he stopped trying to find a way out of the hell he called home. His aunt knew and didn't care and his uncle was the one doing it. The only thing he could be thankful for was that he didn't have to deal with Dudley as well.





Days passed by and before Harry knew it he sitting in the living room in front of the fire on his trunk with strict instructions not to move or touch anything. His aunt had barely looked at him and as she went to get in the car Vernon left him with a few parting words.

"Don't worry boy it will soon be Christmas and I already have some customers who can't wait to try your delicious body." He licked his way up Harry's cheek delighting in the small frightened shiver as Harry closed his eyes trying to block out the disgusted feeling that almost made him sick. It wasn't until the door closed that he realized that he was alone in the house for the first time since he had returned and he didn't care.

It wasn't long before the fire turned green and he stepped through the fire leaving his trunk for the willing house elves that popped it up to his dorm seconds later. Pleasantries were exchanged as he was forced into having a cup of tea with the Headmaster and Professor Lupin. They hoped he had a good time and felt more refreshed and ready to attack his studies with his usual manner, and not to worry as his uncle had already let them know he would be returning home for the Christmas holidays, and wouldn't that be nice, something to look forward too.

He excused himself at the first available opportunity, being a Sunday there were no classes or clubs to attend but he had the work he was sent home with to get done and only one night to do it in. He knew when Lupin had mentioned taking work home that he was screwed, if his aunt and uncle didn't allow him to do his summer work there was no way they would allow him to do this work either. So here he was first day back trying to the work he hadn't been able to do while ignoring the pain from Vernon's latest abuse.

What Harry wasn't prepared for was seeing Hermione and Ron again. He was still reeling from the pain of Ron's betrayal and seeing him with Hermione and in the middle of the crowded common room exhausted from getting all his work done in the hours he had before the library shut on an empty stomach did not make for a happy reunion.

"Harry we are your best friends why haven't you come to see us yet? We have been so worried about you. How could you say that to Ron before you left?" A quick breath before, "You didn't reply to our letters and now I find out you have been back for hours and didn't even bother to come and see us. I can't believe that you have been so lazy that they sent you home. You lost Gryffindor so many points. Are you to good to ask for help from your friends? I can't believe you have been so selfish. I don't want to speak to you until you apologize properly." This was said at high speed in a know-it-all voice before she flounced out the room to her dorm.

He was humiliated most of the tower was smothering their laughter and Ron stood there with a smug smile looking like the cat that got the cream. He knew or he hoped that part of Hermione's attitude was due to Ron but he couldn't be sure. As he left the common room to head up to bed he heard the roars of laughter Ron was right when he said he didn't have any friends.

He was popular when people wanted him to be but with the ministry tarnishing his reputation after the tri-wizard tournament rumours flying about that maybe he had killed Cedric Diggory and Dumbledore seemingly ignoring him not even bothering to protect him against the onslaught of vicious rumours he felt truly alone, it seemed no one really wanted to be around him.

His uncles words came back to him he slipped further in to the darkness that was depression. _You are worthless. _In his dorm he made a promise to himself he would be perfect that way people would like him more he had to find a way to be perfect and to do that he needed to cleanse his body to clean it of all the evil that was inside and he cut relishing in the controlled pain and then slipped into an almost peaceful sleep not stirring when the others came up to go to bed.





AN review and criticism would be great. Updated 19/9/09

xx


	4. Ch3 school

_His uncles words came back to him he slipped further in to the darkness that was depression. __You are worthless. __In his dorm he made a promise to himself he would be perfect that way people would like him more he had to find a way to be perfect and to do that he needed to cleanse his body to clean it of all the evil that was inside and he cut relishing in the controlled pain and then slipped into an almost peaceful sleep not stirring when the others came up to go to bed._





_A dark space with nothing but the tiniest cracks of light filtering through the gaps in the door illuminating the soft particles of dust as they drifted down off the lower side of the stairs. It hadn't taken for Vernon to throw Harry back into the cupboard, with in seconds of stepping through the fire actually. Harry didn't need to be smart to figure out that this time spent home with his _loving_ relatives was going to be anything but healing._

Harry woke with a start, he had foolishly hoped that perhaps he would have a short time before nightmares of his time spent at home kicked in but it seemed that he was not so lucky. He felt desolate and alone the embarrassment of the night before still fresh in his mind. He would move on he had ways of coping and once he was clear and pure maybe they would take him back. It was his evil really that had pushed them all away so he couldn't really blame them but he would get better he knew he would.

Days and weeks passed by and it was almost Halloween now, but Harry had barely noticed. His grades stayed on the lower side of average as he continued on with the hope that he would be able to cleanse his impure body. He was washing up to four times a day and barely eating and the number of cuts had continued to grow.

Day to day it became hard to keep up the façade that is Harry Potter, his friends had all but abandoned him but that didn't matter. None of the teachers really seemed to notice the tension among the Gryffindor's, the teachers seemed to be permanently busy with something and the other students didn't care.

Classes seemed so pointless but he made sure to seem interested he didn't want a repeat of last time and after all the effort he had gone to, to ensure they believed he was better after his last visit home he didn't want to ruin it with a silly mistake.





Harry woke up on a fine Wednesday morning, the weather was dull but not overly cold and there was no rain yet to speak of. Harry as usual was the last one in the dorm to get up but it was planned to ensure that he could have a shower in peace and only have time to make a cursory stop at breakfast. The other boys in the dorm didn't really bother him that much, they tried to stay out of his and Ron's fight but he could see that Seamus especially seemed to agree with Ron and the others stayed quiet for an easy life rather than stick up for the boy they had spent next to no time with in four years.

He had potions first thing this morning and he remembered Snape mentioning something about partners but he couldn't remember exactly. He didn't care all that much so long as they didn't get to pick their own as he knew that no one would willingly work with him. The Slytherin's hated him on principle and the Gryffindor's either sided with Ron or ignored him to avoid trouble. So he took his seat in the back and prayed to any diety to get through this lesson unscathed.

"Malfoy and…Potter. Now get to work. You all have partners and there is no excuse for a miss-made potion, you manage it though and the pair will get a zero for the day." The potions master stalked back to his desk robes following behind him majestically. As he turned he surveyed the room and if his eyed lingered on the slightly blurry shape of Potter for a second or two longer who was going to say anything, certainly not him. He wasn't a spy for nothing he knew an active glamour charm when he saw one but he would wait to see what kind of mess of this Potter made.



Harry slowly made his way over to Draco knowing however slowly he went it wasn't going to delay the inevitable. As per usual, when they were partnered together Draco would stir the potion, add the ingredients and condescendingly order him to slice, dice and chop the ingredients necessary for whatever concoction they were preparing that day.

With his potion of the job done, dicing Shrivelfigs and chopping daisy roots wasn't rocket science, he took the time to gaze around the classroom and observe everyone else. He wasn't fantastic at potions but he got by he knew if Snape didn't breathe down his neck so much he would be able to concentrate better but he smirked as Ron was berated for his usual bad performance in potions. He had been paired with Neville equally as poor in potions and the two had already made a mistake neither had a shred of ability for this subject and kept their grades up to barely passing on their written work.

As usual Snape spent the lesson stalking around making vicious remarks to the Gryffindor's and praising the Slytherin's, everything else was relatively normal he somehow managed to praise Malfoy and criticize him for the potion they were both working on but that was to be expected.

All was going well until an unidentifiable object flew from somewhere in the room into his and Malfoy's cauldron causing an explosion of colour and unfortunately landing all over him. In the slight shock he thought he heard a snigger coming from Ron's direction but he couldn't be sure. Usually the potion in this state caused no harm it was in the cooling stage and anything added would just taint the potion making it worthless however in what can only be seen as seriously bad luck Ron had managed to throw something highly reactive made by mixing two standard ingredients together.

The shock and lack of food along with his precarious health meant Harry not only passed out but his well kept glamours began to fail starting with those on his arms, being the most recent. In a stroke of fortunate luck, however, Malfoy kicked him in the attempt to move out of the way of the flying potion and roused him preventing the further drop of his glamours. How much was luck and how much was fate Harry did not know but the abrupt dismissal of the class _if I see any of you round here for the rest of the day you will pay _allowed for a hasty exit before anyone could question him.

Snape however was cursing his bad luck for not having caught the boy in time to ensure that he went to the hospital. The potion was fairly harmless even though it exploded what worried the professor was the reaction that the young boy had had. His reaction should not have been that severe and so he floo'd Pomfrey and McGonagall to ensure that the boy had a check up.





Harry however was almost cursing as his recent spell of luck ran out when McGonagall approached him first berating him for his poor homework, then for not immediately reporting to Madam Pomfrey and then stating that he was to accompany her there now no excuses, it was the longest walk of his life. All he really wanted was to go back to his dorm and lay down. He wasn't stupid when he woke he knew in the few seconds that the glamours on his arms had dropped and he wanted them back up, he wanted to cut as well. What Ron had done was cruel and dangerous but to do it was what had shocked Harry the most, he never thought Ron would go that low.

"Ahh Mister Potter go over to the bed and lay down, come on the quicker you are the quicker you leave. On to the bed we don't have all day." Refreshing, Harry thought to have someone remain the same, Madam Pomfrey liked everything done her way and that would never change. But in this situation he thought he just might shit himself or scream.

"Madam Pomfrey this isn't necessary, really…" Harry replied, heart racing at fifty miles an hour.

"When you are a qualified healer Mister Potter then you can decide what is best but until then you will lie back down and do as you are told. From what I have heard so far about you this year it will be a first but do try and do as you're told without complaint." Her normally calm nature over shadowed by annoyance. With both her and the stern McGonagall standing a few feet away he hastened to comply.

"Right lets start with a basic assessment of you health and go from there." With the mediwitch waved her wand over Harry in what seemed a complicated manner and a glowing list began to form over his body. Harry closed his eyes in shame knowing however basic this was at least some of his secrets would be told to those in the room.

Madam Pomfrey gasped as she proceeded to read from the list as Professor McGonagall ran to the floo in order, Harry suspected to call Dumbledore who moments later stepped out of the fire place in order to hear Madam Pomfrey say. "Severely under weight, cuts to the lower arms, sleep deprivation, magical exhaustion and active glamour charms over 95 percent of the body."

Harry sighed the more serious happenings of his time at home still appeared to be secret but he still had a lot to explain. But that was the question how he explained some of it without telling the whole truth was anyone's guess and would they believe him even if he did. He had been betrayed one too many times to trust that these people had his best interests at heart.

It was Dumbledore however that interrupted his thoughts, "How severe is all of this Poppy, what needs to be done?"

"I… He needs St Mungo's. I just can't deal with this here, he needs medical help and…" at this point she strode over to Harry and lifted his sleeve and pointed to the lines of scabs and scars up his arms "and therapy for whatever drove him to this. I just don't have the experience for this."

"Okay Poppy if that is your judgement then that is where he will go."Dumbledore replied, looking over Harry with, well was it regret or pity Harry did not know, nor did he care to find out. With that he began to sit up and attempt to get up from the bed.

"I'm not going any where, there's nothing wrong with me and I won't sit around while you lock me up like some crazy person, you can't do this to me."With one final push he made to step forward and leave the infirmary however not all went as planned as the world spun and an odd sensation flittered through his body he felt arms go round him slowing his fall to the floor and heard Madam Pomfrey say from right next to him something about stupid boys, not strong enough and Merlin help him if he tried it again.

At a later date he would reflect that watching glamours fall as the magic behind them was no longer enough to keep them up and seeing your own body shrink was the single most strange experience to date as it was however the only thought to go through his mind was "oh shit" before he passed out blissfully unaware of the shock and pandemonium caused to the three adults he had left behind.





Coming round however was not the most pleasant experience that Harry had ever had and not one that he hoped to have again. As he came to memories from the hospital wing slowly came back to him and he groaned. They had seen him as he was, the scrawny little boy, who was too short, too pale, to skinny, to odd looking and over all not very important looking. His shame was there for the world to see.

As awareness came back to him he began to survey the room and with a start realized that he was no longer in Hogwarts but somewhere that looked entirely too much like a hospital. There was a strange beeping noise coming from somewhere above him, his arms were wrapped in a thin layer of gauze, to protect what he knew to be slightly infected cuts, he knew recently he hadn't been as careful but he suspected that he was probably give a potion and the infection was now gone.

It was then that he noticed something that looked too muggle to be there but a touch and slight gasp of pain told him that there really was a needle in his arm and he followed that up to see a bag hanging off a hook with normal saline and nutrients written in big black letters.

Panic started to settle on his mind and as he looked at his other arm he the noticed a red band round his wrist stating Harry Potter, Age 15, floor 3 room 6b. Understandably the initial slight panic that he had been feeling dramatically increased and without further notice he made quick work of removing the cables the were on his chest and the funny looking clip on his finger and finally removing the nasty looking needle in his arm. With that done he then went to get off the bed, and noticed two things. One was that his glamours were definitely off his legs and now that he noticed arms seemed to short and two that as he moved his legs round they hit an invisible barrier. He was stuck. And the annoying beep had turned into a drone.

Breathes became hard and his chest felt like there was a hippogriff on there but at the sight of three very irate nurses who were standing at the side of his bed he began to calm and listen to what they were saying to him.

"Mister Potter just what do you think you are doing that equipment is expensive and doesn't work very well unless it is actually attached to you". One of the nurses, well actually the only nurse left carefully explained as she put everything to one side except the needle. "You are lucky, the healer on your case has said these are no longer necessary, but the needle is and so must go back in although I'm sure she will explain this too you when she comes to see you." Her temper seemed abated for the time being, Harry however was not willing too see for how long though.

"I..uhh what I mean to say is.. uhh where am I exactly and why can't I get off the bed and what is going on, what are you doing to me". Harry quickly rattled off getting more worked up as he spoke.

"Mister Potter I am doing nothing your healer however has set a number of precautions in order to ensure that you get better".

"But I..." Harry began only to be cut off by a young woman in jeans and a t-shirt, with brown hair pulled back off her face.

"Thank you Louisa but I can take it from here," she spoke calmly but with an air of authority and the nurse, Louisa said her goodbyes and left the room closing the door behind her. "Now Harry I believe you had some questions for me to answer. To start with I am Healer Wentworth but you can call me Callie. So here we go, you are in St Mungos in one of the secure wards under section, you are very sick and in order for you to get better there are a number of procedures to follow. One being the needle in your arm which is giving you body what it needs, it is a mixture of muggle and magical solution in order to help you as best as possible. The ward on the bed keeping you on it is to prevent you from injuring yourself in attempting to get off, although even if you did the band on your wrist, which you can't remove, will prevent you leaving the floor of this building without authorization, so you won't get far."

Harry looked down tears pooling in his eyes threatening to spill over at any time and anger boiling his blood at he idea of not being able to leave. He responded as calmly as he could, "What do you mean sectioned and why won't you let me leave I don't need or want to be here so you should just let me go".

"Unfortunately or fortunately depending on how you look at it Mister Potter you do not have a choice. The section is in place to help you and means that two healers with psychiatric qualifications have decided that you need to be here, legally we make the decision as too where you stay, how long for and what treatment you need as you have allowed your own health to drop to a point that is dangerously low and so it has been decided you are not well enough to look after yourself or make decisions in that regard. "Callie explained in a slow but not patronizing way.

"But I don't want too be here can't you just let me go back to school please. I'll do anything you want. I'll be good, I promise, I'll be a good boy really I will." And Callie felt her heart break at the tearful boy that sat in front of her, looking like a young boy of ten or eleven despite him being fifteen.

"It's not about how good you are Harry; it's about how healthy you are. Your headmaster wanted you to be here because he realized that you needed help and you do, you are in no condition to attend school." She explained calmly.

However she did not expect what happened next and it would stay in her mind for sometime to come. Harry, with a look of pure rage on his face proceeded to attempt to throw everything off the bed, including himself. Callie was quick to act and a string of Latin later had the boy strapped down to the bed as the ward round the bed significantly restricted his movement. A button on the wall pushed had a nurse, Louisa, quickly walk in, and then out, only to return with a small bottle and needle which was passed over to Callie, she then left again.

"I'm sorry Harry but in your condition it just not safe for you to throw your body around like that, the ward will keep you from moving too much," as she said this Harry had tears running down his pale face and Callie proceeded to fill the needle with what was in the bottle. "This will relax you Harry so try and get some sleep and we will talk again tomorrow, I'm here for you Harry, you will get better." she promised and emptied the contents of the needle into his arm.

As she left the room Harry felt his emotions settle back to almost nothingness and his eyelids began to droop as he fought to stay awake. For a while he managed, the drug not forcing him to sleep but relaxing to a point where it was inevitable. He thought for a while about what she had said. Most of it made little sense to his twisted logic. Couldn't she see, what he was doing was to make him better to make him pure. How would he ever deserve the love of his Godfather or have his friends back if he couldn't make himself pure.

It wasn't long before the pull to sleep became almost overwhelming but he decided then that he would do his best to become pure whatever these hospital people did he had to, and as he slipped into a black abyss he wished he was anywhere but here.





AN changed for the better I hope lol review xx ed 19/9/09


	5. Ch4 new situations

_I don't own it_

_Enjoy the chappie!! REVIEW lol_





_..."I'm sorry Harry but in your condition it just not safe for you to throw your body around like that, the ward will keep you from moving too much," as she said this Harry had tears running down his pale face and Callie proceeded to fill the needle with what was in the bottle. "This will relax you Harry so try and get some sleep and we will talk again tomorrow, I'm here for you Harry, you will get better." she promised and emptied the contents of the needle into his arm._

_As she left the room Harry felt his emotions settle back to almost nothingness and his eyelids began to droop as he fought to stay awake. And as he slipped into a black abyss he wished he was anywhere but here..._





Awareness came back to Harry slowly as the drugs finally wore out of his system and he realized that he was still in the hospital. As he came round he realized two things one being that he could see clearly without his glasses and the other being that with his improved vision he could see the needle had been placed back in his arm.

"Harry my boy I see that you have finally woken it is nice to see you looking so rested," at this he turned and looked into the blue gaze of the one and only, yes folks that's right, Albus Dumbledore. How he noticed a small needle but not the rather imposing figure of Dumbledore he would never know but that as they say is life.

"Why are you here Headmaster?"

"Well to see you of course my boy, you gave us all quite the scare," came the rather jovial reply.

"..." Concerned blue eyes looked on as emotions flickered spontaneously across the young face in front of him. The range of emotions that worked through the dull green eyes shocked the old man from self hate to hate of all those around him the vulnerable young man finally exploded in an array of concentrated emotions that shook the Headmaster to the core.

"I hate this , you everyone ... I ... I GGGAAAAAAHHHHHH... I'm not your boy, I'm not anything I just want to be left alone... just let me die. Go on just leave... leave go on get out get out get OOOUUTTTT."

At this rather violent out burst a number of nurses came rushing into the room, one moved directly to the aged Headmaster and ushered him out the room as the others worked on restraining the now thrashing boy and sedating him. The Headmaster turned a tear tracking it's way down his cheek as he made his may to see his young charges Healer.





"Ah Professor I was expecting you come take a seat," at this the Headmaster raised an inquisitive eyebrow "Call me Albus please Miss Wentworth you are no longer a student" Albus replied a small twinkle returning to his eye briefly.

"Callie then Albus as you say I am no longer a student. I assume you are here to talk about the incident just now with young Harry, his duty nurse called me while you were on your way up to inform me of what had happened."

"Yes , I must say I am rather concerned about some of the things he said and his reaction to my presence it is not normally like him to behave in this manner."

Callie sighed, "From what I have heard his behaviour before this event has been erratic at best this is not an isolated incident but rather a release of emotions that he has been attempting to keep under control for months if not years. The difficulty is finding the route of the emotions he is expressing and starting from there. But first he needs his body to heal so he is ready to heal the emotional side of his problem."

"I have the utmost trust in you Callie I know that you can help him."

"Thank you Albus but it is really up to Harry, I will contact you with his progress and inform you when I feel he will be up to visitors."

Callie sighed again as the Headmaster left the room. There was more to this young man then was first to be believed. Magical scans showed that there had been a glamour running constantly from around the time he first started Hogwarts and overtime it had been added to and changed. Albus and the faculty had not mentioned anything about suggested abuse over the years but all the evidence pointed to the contrary. The boy had only recently returned from his relatives and many of the injuries but more specifically the body weight and height came from years of malnutrition and neglect not the few months that Albus believed the boy had changed in. Yes there was definitely some thing big going on her and she was going to find out what.





De-ja-vu that was what Harry felt when he woke but this time his movement was again limited to turning his head and small changes in body position and no one was with him this time. No face to lie to him telling him it would be alright, just four walls and some stupid machines.

That is how time passed for Harry nurses came and went adjusting machines, hanging new bags and writing in a chart but they left. Callie his healer though, she was a constant someone he knew would return whether he liked it or not. Sometimes they talked, sometimes just she talked. But it was nice Harry thought to know that she would always be their. Harry kept their talks fairly light, never delving into the more serious issues. Why did you stop eating? Because I wasn't hungry. Why weren't you hungry? Because. What about the scratches on your arms? Its my body isn't it.





Today however was a new day, it was the start of his third week and Callie decided to make some changes. The first was that the wards on his bed were coming down during the day so he could move freely within his room and the amount of drip would be decreased, his body weight had finally stabilized and he would be having it three times a day.

"Now Harry you know the rules, no going outside of this room on your own there are wards but I want to be able to trust you. Secondly when the nurse comes to attach the next bag you are to let her no fights you refuse it and I will assume you are ready to eat. And finally you are not to over do it you feel tired you rest I will be starting some serious therapy with you from now on and I expect you to be well rested. You break my rules I will have you back in that bed before you know it so don't disappoint me."

"Why am I stuck in this room though?"a small pout gracing his face.

"When you are strong enough you can move freely but until then a nurse will accompany you I don't want you falling just because you _needed_ to watch TV," she replied with a small smirk.

Harry rolled his eyes but managed an almost respectful "Yes Callie" before she walked out the room. He sat him self up slowly and eventually made it over to the window to have a good look out. Through his side of the window he could see the bustling streets of London but knew they could not see him. How nice it would be he thought to just fall out the window and let it all go, the pain and confusion but mostly the responsibility for Cedric and Voldemort for he knew deep in his soul that he was to blame. His master was right he was worthless he was nothing.

It was at this point that a nurse walked in bag in hand and asked him to sit on the bed.

"Do I have to can't it wait?" He asked attempting to look sweet and innocent this however was lost on the nurse in front of him. "No Mr Potter it will take two seconds and then I will be gone," she then raised an eyebrow at him, "It is not as though you have any where pressing to be is it?"

"No." He replied a pout forming, again, but he complied...for now.





"As I said earlier Harry we are going to start the real work now I've been easy on you so far letting you get away with half answers and shrugs but today I want some real, honest answers. So lets get started why don't you start with your home life, you live with your aunt and uncle don't you what are they like?"

Callie noticed as the boy tensed, strange emotions flickered through his eyes before they went blank. "They're fine."

"Well Harry what was it like growing up with your cousin, do you and your relatives get along, how did they treat you?" Callie pressed; she hoped to get some answers before he lost control. How was she meant to get proper answers without him exploding on her?

"They just are alright there's nothing to tell, they raised me, gave me food and shelter ok...there is _nothing _more to tell." Damn looks like he snapped first.

"Alright then Harry we will talk about something else how about school. What's that like?"

A soft sigh and then, "Muggle or magical?"

"Well start with your muggle school for now." Blood and stone did not describe this boy.

"It was alright I suppose the work was easy enough; I enjoyed reading in the library. That's about it really."

"Did you go to the same school as your cousin? What was that like?"

"I don't want to talk about him." Ahh anger, again. Well at least that was more than apathy or though something other than those two emotions would be nice.

"I think it would be good..."

"I don't care what you think," can anyone say BOOM. "I don't want to talk, to you or anyone"

"Alright Harry were done for the day, you control this it's up to you how much you talk. Just remember I'm here if you need me."

Callie left the room disappointed. He was so close and yet something wouldn't give enough for him to trust her. To tell her what caused him to starve almost to death. The only thing he seemed positive about was Muggle School and then it only seemed to apply to reading. Something about his cousin though seemed to be under the surface. Sibling rivalry was too trivial to cause that kind of anger and resentment, no it was something deeper than that.

She settled behind her desk thoughts still flying around her head about her latest session and pulled her notes out ready to write up the latest, though scarce information she had found out today.



Back inside his room however Harry was still fuming over the perceived interrogation he didn't want to talk about this shit. The bags made him feel tainted and dirty feeding the evil inside him. How was he going to be perfect if they wouldn't let him cleanse himself? He had to stop, this had to stop and...

"Mr Potter come and lay on the bed it's time for your next bag and you look exhausted and its only noon. Have a rest while you can." She, the nurse, with he words and smiles but he knew, fake she was fake. Pretending he had a choice in all of this but he knew different, small things to make you feel in control but there is only their way and he was sick of it.

"No I don't want to."

"You don't have to sleep just relax, it will help you feel better." There, that cheesy grin back in full force and it creeps me out.

"You don't understand I don't want to _rest_ or _relax_ or have a ruddy bag dripping into my arm. I don't want any of it." _She turns, nods to the window, this is new. What does the nod mean, I've never seen the nod. _

The door opens and Harry watched as two male nurses walked in to the room, one closing the door while the other passed something over to the female one, what was her name Hannah, Claire, right now he couldn't remember there were so many of them and he didn't pay that much attention. So unsurprisingly he was startled when one of them started speaking to him.

"Hello buddy I'm Craig, you've not met me or Dave yet but we've come in to lend a hand ok."

"I.Don't.Want.It." Harry ground out eyeing them all warily, yet to notice that Dave had started to slip behind him.

"I know buddy but you need it for now, it will be a lot easier if you cooperate with us."

"I'm not cooperating and I'm not your buddy just leave!"

At this Harry started looking for an exit, something to get him away from these people, when hands held onto his arms preventing him from moving, as whatever her name was passed something to Craig.

"What's that?" He questioned Craig any sense of bravado well and truly gone.

"Just a mild sedative buddy, it will make you a bit tired, help you relax." Tears coursed down his face as Craig reached for the cannula in his forearm that would soon have his bag attached to. Leaning back into to Dave and shaking slightly he made one last plea.

"Please, please I don't want it."

"I know buddy."

He started to feel sluggish the drug kicking in as Craig handed off the syringe and helped, more like carried him to the bed and laid him loosely under the sheet. With that done the other two left the room and Craig expertly attached the bag allowing it to drip through. He looked down at Harry's tear stained face, eyes fighting to stay open.

"Rest buddy just rest." At that Harry finally succumbed to the lingering darkness a final tear escaping down his face.





Craig quickly moved out the room heading to Callie's office knowing that's where she would be. He hadn't missed the slight fear when Dave and he had entered the room or when Harry noticed how close to him the two of them had gotten. Anger he would have understood but he had been...scared...of them.

He knocked smartly on the door and entered at the soft "Come in." Taking a seat before the young doctor he waited for her to finish what she was writing.

"What can I do for you Craig you seem troubled?"

"It's Harry Potter, there was a bit of a struggle with his lunchtime bag resulting in him being slightly sedated, not enough to knock him out just make him sleepy, although he fell asleep after a bit of a struggle anyway. Poor kid looked exhausted." Callie sighed she knew this afternoon had been tough on her young charge, the changes and the talk.

As much as Harry hated the wards on the bed, as all the kids did, not having them was scary. After a couple of days, even weeks on a bed the sudden freedom of moving freely round his room and escorted out of it was daunting. It was new, and a lot of the kids struggled the first few days.

"Thanks for letting me know Craig. Give him a till his last bag tomorrow to settle and if not come let me know. If he doesn't fight too much just ward the bed during the bag I don't want him on drugs if we can help it, his weight is still drastically too low."

Craig nodded not sure how too bring up the next topic, it was hard to be sure but important too if what he suspected was true. "I think he's been abused by someone as well."

"Explain. Now." Callie sat up straight, this was not good. Craig had an amazing sense of intuition. He had said a lot of crazy things in the past, but he was usually right and the niggling fear that she had before returned full force.

"When myself and Dave entered the room he looked scared, angry at the situation but scared of us and when Dave touched him he started shaking he seemed truly afraid." He paused, sighed and continued, "It's difficult it was there for a second and then gone mixed in with what was going on but there's something that tells me this kid has been hurt, and bad."

"Thanks Craig I'll check into it. Is that it?"

"Yep, I'll see you later doc!"

Callie sighed, again, it felt like that was all she had done since she met the enigma that was Harry Potter. The kid was like a brick wall, defensive at every turn and no give at all. She had to find away to get into his mind, figuratively speaking, abuse was a dangerous territory and with him so unwilling to talk about any of his family it looked like it might be there.

She would speak to Dumbledore ask him to discreetly have a word with the staff about anything they might have noticed. It would also be good for Harry, she thought, to see someone other than medical staff, and she could trust Dumbledore. With that plan in mind she moved over to the floo.





Harry was sat in the chair in his room, the chair 90 degrees to the window. He could look out and keep an eye on the door just in case. Today was better, well, not better drug free, the sedative whatever it was had left his system and there wasn't a need for another dose. He could think almost clearly, through the numb haze that had become his mind.

Dumbledore. Why was he...oh right he was visiting today, to talk. Callie had come in earlier and told him. Well after the ten minute lecture going over her rules again about fighting the nurses about the bags. God if she had to have them she would fight it as well. It was humiliating, sat there while she looked straight at him analyzing everything he did and said. She asked, just plain and simple, I assume your ready to eat then, no, then why did you fight the nurses yesterday? One eyebrow rose but no amused expression just questioning though she knew the answer.

So here he sat waiting, with the reminder about cooperating with nurses and the consequences of not.

"Harry, HARRY, are you here my boy or have I got the wrong room!" Dumbledore chuckled, popped a lemon drop into his mouth, amused by his own comments.

"I'm here, what do want?"

"I've come in for a friendly visit. Don't worry yourself, I understood what you meant was Oh hello Headmaster, thank you for visiting and please do sit down." Another chuckle, "Why thank you Harry I do think I will, would you like a lemon drop?"

Harry's eyebrow rose at the comment, well really did it look like he wanted a lemon drop. "I'll take that as a no then!"

"How are you then my dear boy, everyone is very worried about you, including your relatives."

"This isn't about _them_." He mumbled in reply a snarl coming to his face.

"I think this is about _them_ as you put it. You have worried a lot of people, you are sick and your friends and family are worried, as they have every right to be. They are scared for you but I will admit angry at you as well for doing this to yourself. Mr Weasley, Miss Granger and your Aunt and Uncle especially feel that this is a slight against them, that you are punishing them for whatever reason."

Harry immediately saw red. His _friends_ abandoned _him._ His _fam..mas..whatever_ ab.ab..to him it was done to him. And he did this for him, to him, it was about him.

"Harry?" The one word, his name it was like the flood gates were set loose and he yelled and screamed without realizing it.

"It is not about them, it is not about them, it's not _about _them." Tears pouring. "It's about me, just me, its about me. Why can't it just be about me, for once let it be _about me_." Tears continued to stream down his face breath coming in and out jaggedly like he just run the marathon.

"Harry I..."

"Just go, its not..and I..its just.. just leave...leave me alone." He crawled on to the bed sobbing holding on to himself as he always had. He didn't notice as Albus Dumbledore left, tears tracking down his aged face, or the nurse that checked in on him and thought he was sleeping. He didn't notice as time moved on slowly, but it did and the sobs subsided.

Eventually Harry looked over at his beside table; the clock showed he had another hour before his bag was due. He went to turn back but a slight gleam caught his eye and he turned back, leant over and saw what it was. Scissors. A shiny, clean pair of scissors, something he only caught sights of if a nurse needed them while changing a bag or checking his cannula.

A small grin had appeared on his face; over the few weeks that he had been here he felt a gnawing in his stomach. At first it had shocked him, he thought it could be hunger but then he realized it was a need to cut. To feel a smooth blade slide through his skin and the soft pool of blood as it welled in the cut and spilled over. The euphoric feeling of peace after that kept him almost high for a few hours before an overwhelming need to use that blade again. He didn't normally use scissors, they were harder to hold and less sharp, but in this case he would use whatever he could get.

Without thought he lifted the sleeve of his pyjama shirt and gazed longingly at his arm, the old wounds healed and gone by some potion that almost removed all trace of the cuts so lovingly placed there. He picked his spot and ran the blade across. Surprised by the small nick, he wanted more, more blood, more pain. Again and again he swiped the blade across, some gentle like a lovers caress and some harsh to rid him of the emotional pain. Spots danced before his eyes, his head becoming heavy. He paused, this was new, this hadn't happened before he looked down at his arm, trying to blink through the dizziness and saw _it._ One cut bleeding sluggishly, he stared at it with an almost morbid fascination, he had never cut that deep before. He felt tired, like he hadn't slept in a long time. _I'll rest a while he thought, just for a minute and clean up before the nurse comes. Just...for a ...minute._

He felt peaceful floating in the hazy darkness. Callie, however, was anything but. She stepped in to see her patient intent on checking how he was after the disastrous meeting with the Headmaster and almost fainted. She turned and pushed the panic button on the wall, there for circumstances like this but rarely ever used, and ran over to the bed. As nurses streamed in and out of the room she quickly barked orders out to the staff. Performing spells to clot the blood and heal the wounds she knew she had to be quick, the spells took time and he had already lost so much blood. They needed to get blood replenishing potions into him before his heart stopped.

There was little time and they needed to work fast





Awareness came slowly, he could hear the soft murmur of people talking but too distantly to make out what was being said. He lay there still for a few more seconds allowing his mind to catch up with how he was feeling, and then it came back. The scissors, the blood, the blissful sinking feeling.

"Good Harry your awake can you open your eyes for me." Callie, good old Callie always there, whether he wanted her or not. He complied, eventually, slowly opening his eyes blinking to adjust to the light.

"Good Harry, that's really good. Look at this light for me. Umm okay, squeeze my hands. Good. Okay."The pen torch returned to her pocket and she turned, murmured something and turned back. "I'm sure you want to know what's going on Harry, a bit confused I bet."

"Yea...I...err... Who's that?" He asked nodding towards the other person in the room.

"That can wait a moment Harry do you remember what happened?" Callie asked trying to be soothing and yet letting him know that hedging around the answer would not be tolerated this time. Harry looked down, not meeting her eyes, thinking for a while, not so much about what happened but how to explain what happened. He took a deep breath and started.

"Well I ... you see the was a pair of scissors on the side... and I... well I just... err cuafbmsehf."

"What was that Harry, could you repeat that please?"

"I cut myself alright, I cut my self and you know already so why are you even asking?"

"Why so angry Harry, because you did it, or because we found you?" He looked away unwilling to answer the question or see the disappointment he knew would be written on her face. She would leave him now just like everyone else did, and it hurt.

"Right now that is not the point there is someone I would like to introduce you to. This is Dr. Kevin Fortson he specialises in cases involving self harm and attempted suicide, more specifically he is a therapist. You are going to be seeing him for a little while today and then maybe some more we'll see how it goes."

Green eyes looked up warily, tears threatening to fall at any minute and in a heartbreakingly small voice Harry spoke, "your leaving me aren't you, like everyone else. I know I'm not worth it but please don't leave me, not on my own." A fat tear rolled down his cheek as he shook trying to fight the unknown emotion and Callie's heart went out to him. Kevin Fortson had stepped back to give some privacy and Callie dropped to her knees by his bed taking his hand in hers.

"Now you listen good, I will always be available for you whether you are here or not. You can come to me whenever you need to. But I can't give you all the help you need right now and Kevin can help. The more help the better I say. So don't you worry your stuck with me for a long while yet. Just talk to Kev, let him help you and we will see what happens after ok.

A shaky nod was his only reply as he tried to rain his emotions back in line, back under control. He looked back up and noticed Callie had gone, and Dr. Kevin Fortson was sat in front of him, notepad and pen at the ready. This was turning out to be a long day.





Review with your thoughts I've read an aunts love by emma lipardi many times and this is not mean to be a copy but a kick up the arse would be nice if it seems to go that way would be appreciated lol

Much love to everyone that has already reviewed I love you all xx ed 19/9/09


	6. Ch5 hospital life

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_/Harry Potter...Not mine sadly/_

_...Callie dropped to her knees by his bed taking his hand in hers._

"_Now you listen good, I will always be available for you whether you are here or not. You can come to me whenever you need to. But I can't give you all the help you need right now and Kevin can help. The more help the better I say. So don't you worry your stuck with me for a long while yet. Just talk to Kev, let him help you and we will see what happens after ok._

_A shaky nod was his only reply as he tried to rain his emotions back in line, back under control. He looked back up and noticed Callie had gone, and Dr. Kevin Fortson was sat in front of him, notepad and pen at the ready. This was turning out to be a long day..._

Callie made her way back to her office thinking about the short conversation she had with Dumbledore.

"_He is hurting Callie, the pain in his voice was tangible I could _feel _it." The aged headmaster breathed, releasing the emotions that had been coursing through his body a small, sad smile adorning his face. "Don't think he has ever felt that we have _seen_ him or that it has been _about _him. It's always been _Harry Potter _or _The-Boy Who-Lived."

"_We will help him Albus with everything we can but there comes a point where it is up to him to decide where we go." She sighed, again, gathering her thoughts in how to approach the man about what she felt was best. "Albus I know you have faith that I can help Harry..."_

"_Of course I do child."_

"_But I don't feel this is the right place for Harry right now. He needs something more long term than a hospital ward. I know you want him back at Hogwarts but I think a transfer to St Bernaros would be better for him in the long term."_

_Silence. Tumbleweed, cricket chirping silence, the most renowned Headmaster of Hogwarts was speech less. What answer was he meant to give to that? Harry Potter belonged at Hogwarts, his name had been down since he was born; the idea of sending him any where else was ludicrous. He voiced these thoughts, the boy was special, to him – to his friends and not just because of what happened when he was a baby._

"_If you love him at all you need to let him have the help he needs, and he needs it Albus he really does need it."_

"_What is this place like then, I've never heard much about it?"_

_Callie inwardly smiled; at least he was willing to consider it. "You wouldn't have St Bernaros is small and private, but it's linked to this ward, some staff, like me, work at both some just at one place but it is the best of its kind..."_

It was fluke or Merlin that had led her to go to her patient directly after contacting one of her colleagues at St Bernaros. To see him in that state was shocking to say the least, but she was certain now that what he needed was more long-term then they were able to provide here.

She wondered how Harry's conversation was going with Dr Fortson was going, he was an amazing therapist, a squib raised with a muggle education and the theory behind magic when he was older gave him an understanding of both worlds and that was a god send to the children that he treated.

Many of the children that attended St Bernaros were muggleborns or half bloods raised more in the muggle world for the first eleven years before attending a magical school and the transition was hard. St Bernaros provided a place where they could have both a magical and muggle education and allowed them a greater choice once they left as to where they would go. It provided structure and support to those that needed it and she was sure Harry was a great candidate.

She wasn't stupid, she had made it through healer training after all, and she knew that Dumbledore had a larger influence than normal on the young mans life. She had to get him on her side so that he could see how beneficial it would be to allow the transfer.

Moving round her office she reshuffled some of the files that cluttered the small office, if she made a good enough argument he couldn't disagree. St Bernaros had always remained a fairly private place and wizarding world had very little knowledge of the place and the few that did weren't shouting it out to the papers. There Harry would be relatively safe and get the help he so desperately needed.

She remembered on of their first conversations before she knew just how serious it might be.

"_Do you hate me Callie." The emotion in his voice was barely there but Callie knew that there was a lot of feeling behind the softly spoken words._

"_What makes you think that Harry?"_

"_Well I know I don't talk much," his cheeks coloured slightly, "cept for now, and I've caused all this trouble and I just...I thought you might you know...I don't blame if you did, I do you know but I just wanted to know." A pause, "If you hated me." He clarified._

_The pain that radiated from his dull eyes almost made the young healer leap for her chair to smother him in a hug, but the logical side of her brain told her that it was not appropriate or appreciated in this situation. Harry was a painfully private person and she believed this steamed from never having an adult he felt he could truly trust with his secrets but she wanted to be one of the few who he spoke to, to show him he could trust her._

"_Oh Harry of course I don't hate you. Part of spending time with you is to get to know each other and for me to show you that you can trust me and come to me with anything. Whether that be your life story or that you hate the colour of your room," at this she looked round the room, dramatically grimaced and turned back. "Cause I think I'd go crazy if I had to live with this room, but more __seriously know that I am here you can tell me anything small or big and I will listen. Just listen, there is now judgement within these walls, you can say anything Harry and it won't make me hate you."_

_Harry turned and looked out the window, from the bed there wasn't much to see but it allowed him time to think about what had just been said. It might be nice, he thought, to have someone to talk to, to trust. It was just a shame that he knew she would hate him when she found out what he was really like. _

Callie had tried to continue the session when he had turned back to face her but his mood dipped and she ended the session not long after. Many of the future session she had with the young boy ended up that way. He would say something out of the blue that gave only the tiniest hint as to what he was thinking and then would clam up and refuse to say another word.

One day he may open up and show the world the real Harry Potter but she knew that with her that day was a long way of and may never happen but she was hopeful that St Bernaros and Kevin Fortson would truly help him to come into his own and be the person he was born to be.

The window, Harry had discovered was a great place to look. Whether to stave off the inevitable boredom or to avoid an unwanted question it was the perfect distraction from a perfectly shit situation.

"So Mr Potter how are you feeling now?"

Harry rose an eyebrow in the typical teen ager response, why use words if you don't have to, the answer should have been obvious anyway. "Oh just peachy you know, I just hang out here for fun."

"They say sarcasm is the lowest form of wit, but if it works for you..."

"What do you want? I'm already in hospital, I have a doctor, so what exactly do you want?"Harry was exasperated every body wanted _something,_ what about what he wanted.

"Why do you assume I want something, maybe I just want to talk to you?"

"Well I don't want to talk to you ok?"

Kevin sighed; he knew this was going to be difficult when he first agreed to see Harry with Callie. She had warned him how closed off he was, the anorexia and cutting was one thing but attempted suicide opened up a whole new level of complications. It was not what he was expecting; it was going to take hard work to get this kid to open up at all.

"Well I think there are a few things that you need to know. First as you know you are drastically under weight, but you are also only just 5 ft tall, the average height for a 10 to 11 year old." Harry perked at that, he knew he was short but he had never realised just how short, he was a fifth year but looked more like a first year. "Second is a piece of crummy hospital legislation that I will paraphrase for you to prevent boring you to death. It says that in the event of a patient currently in active treatment on this ward attempting suicide, said patient is to be moved to a maximum security ward under 24hr supervision up until the presiding doctor decides this is no longer necessary."

"Well I... err why am I still here then?"

"That's the thing up until this morning you have been unconscious and once you were conscious you have been under constant supervision either by me, Callie or one of the nurses."

"I guess that changes now doesn't it." A hint of regret seeped in to his voice. He liked Callie, little as he actually talked to her and the room wasn't _that_ bad, slightly bland but comfortable.

"Yes, Harry it does. Callie contacted me before your attempt to come and talk to you and assess you for somewhere slightly different and I believe this latest development has cemented that decision for her."

"I like Callie...I don't want to go anywhere else." Fear, overwhelming fear, what was going to happen now.

"Well Harry ultimately it is down to Callie, I believe you know about the section so it's not your choice but I would like to discuss this with you so you and Callie can figure out where you will receive the best treatment." Here he paused allowing Harry the time to collect himself, or explode at the perceived unfairness of it all but he said nothing.

"St Bernaros is an...interesting place. It allows muggle and magical learning and therapy, staffed by a variety of muggles, squibs, witches and wizards, as well as a fully qualified team of doctors, nurses and therapists. At the moment there are around 25 – 30 boys and the same for girls, lessons are co-ed, dorms are single sex. There are three floors of dorms, each dorm becomes or floor becomes a community, with community meetings, therapy and activities but lesson could be with anyone. There is a higher supervision area with 10 beds and a specific hospital wing for the more everyday injury. We are closely linked with this ward and many of the staff split their time between working here and there but the majority of our staff work at St Berns full time."

Harry thought, first was about how quickly this Kevin Fortson guy spoke which almost made him laugh, almost. Then it was about what he said, it would be nice he mused to be able to get away for a while but he would still be him and his fame would follow him every where. But still the idea was nice, to get away just for a while from all the pressure.

"I believe Harry that you have a lot to think about, if I am also correct I believe your Headmaster was going to come in later to chat. So have a think, but more importantly rest." A small nod was the only response he garnered from the young man and he pressed for assistance so that a nurse would come and take his place, he wasn't joking when he said Harry would be on 24hr supervision.

Harry felt rested, confused by all the information he had received earlier, but rested none the less. How was he meant to react to all of this, all of a sudden it seemed like his ability to cope with new situations or new people was non existent. He knew he had visitors coming soon but he couldn't bring himself to care all that much, what was the point, why bother?

"Oh Harry," Hermione's the visitor then. "I'm so glad to see you, I've been so worried and when Professor Dumbledore tod me where I was going I was just shocked, I can't believe it. He's here as well by the way, Professor Dumbledore that is, but I'm the only one that knows where you really are and...

"Breathe Hermione." Harry wished this could be real but it couldn't be because Hermione sounded like she actually liked him and that couldn't be right, must be a dream he thought or something maybe he was delusional.

"Mr Potter," Oh yea, the nurse, right. "I will be right outside if you need anything." Harry nodded, acknowledging the pointed look she gave him before she left, the no funny business look.

"Harry I'm so sorry for what I said to you before. I just I don't know what came over me."

"It's alright Hermione really don't worry about it."

"Alright! Of course it's not alright. I was so mean to you and you didn't deserve it and now look your in hospital, with drips and nurses and supervision and it's my fault. I hurt you." At this the sobbing girl threw herself into Harry crying and forcing out apologies as Harry broke down for what felt like the millionth time since he had been in St Mungos.

"I'm so sorry Harry, Ron told me all these things about you and made up all these lies about why you went home and why you weren't in school and Ginny stood there agreeing and I shouldn't have believed them and I did then and I'm so sorry."

"Hermione...gasp...I can't breathe..." The girl in question immediately relinquished her hold, checking the small boy over and glancing out the window in the door to notice the nurse from earlier looking in, smiling, shaking her head and moving away again.

"Oh Merlin, what do I do, what did I do? Are you alright Harry? Can I get you some thing?"

"I'm fine Mione you were just hugging a bit too hard is all." A small smile graced his features for the first time in weeks. He was glad Mione was here.

"Oh...right. I do that sometimes huh?" The light giggle pulled at the edges of his mouth as he watched her trying not to fall into hysterics. "Your so small though Har and it worries me. You look like a little firstie, no offence!"

"Thanks Mione, way to beef a guy up!"

Hermione jumped up a frantic look on her face other than the small smirk, "Quick call a nurse, you made a joke, you must be really ill!!"

"Oh haha, you're very funny."

"Well I do try; I'm not smart for nothing you know." She sighed, pausing to take a look at him.

"I'm sorry though, about Ron and Ginny, they've been saying things to the whole house and he was always a jealous prat but I'm sorry."

"It's not your fault Mione, Ron has always been like that but he was my first friend, my best friend and I didn't want to lose him. I just... I'm glad that you here you know.

A sad small fell on Harry's face, he had missed this. Being able to talk and joke and not worry about anything else, just relax even for a little while.

"What's up Har, you seem so sad?"

"I just missed this you know and..."

"What Har, what is it?"

"They...they want to move me to this St Bernaros place and I just...I'm so confused Mi."

"Well my names just getting shorter and shorter isn't it!" She joked trying to lighten the mood but continued on. "Har I've heard some about this place, I've been there actually." At his incredulous look she just smiled.

"I know shock huh me going somewhere like that. I never told you but part of the reason I went home in first year for Christmas was to go there. I went a couple of times in all the holidays until the end of third year, and just once this last summer."

"But why Mi, I don't get it?"

"Well you know how first year was for me before I had you and Ron and I wrote to my parents alot and they were worried. They asked around, spoke with Madam Pomfrey I think and she recommended St. Bernaros. I just went and talked, I didn't stay there but it gave me a chance to talk to someone who could understand where I was coming from and it really helped. "

"Merlin Mi, we never even knew." A soft sigh came from the young girl before, "I know Har and it's not your fault before you blame yourself, I never told you but it's a great place and it really helped me, _they _really helped me and I think they can help you. Just think about it, promise you will, I don't want to lose you Har."

"You won't Mi, I'll think about it. I..I promise." They both smiled softly at each other glad to have each other back. Something he thought he would never have with Ron.

"Ahh Miss Granger, Harry my boy, sorry to cut this short but we should be getting back to Hogwarts." He smiled genially at the two. " I will be back later my boy, to chat," he turned to Hermione, "I will be just outside while you say goodbye Miss Granger." A small twinkle came into his eyes as he gazed at the young pair, and he left the room closing the, bringing the two together was a good idea he decided.

Hermione turned and hugged Harry again, albeit more gently then the first time. "I love you, you know. So get better soon and I'll come and see you when I can." Harry blushed a violent red causing Hermione to stifle her laughter at the situation.

"Err...you know... ummm...I err...that's um great Mi but I err I think I'm you know... um gay." He finally whispered turning a brighter red if at all possible at Hermione's ringing laughter.

"Really Har I didn't know, although after four years of not even looking at a girl it should have been obvious. Good thing I love you like a brother then, huh?" They laughed together, a true innocent laugh and they smiled.

"I'll see you soon Mi."

"Of course you will, just get better ok." She hugged him and left the room a small smile on her face hiding how close she truly was to tears.

Callie made her way down to see Harry; she hadn't heard of any problems and had spoken with Kevin Fortson after his chat with Harry. She had a high opinion of Kevin, he had massive amounts of knowledge in this area of expertise and she was sure he would do wonders with Harry. She didn't doubt herself but her background was more of a healer and had only been practising therapy for the past few years. She didn't have the experience to deal with a case like Harry's and after the suicide attempt she knew he needed serious help, and now.

She was surprised however that she hadn't heard from the nurses, she knew between seeing Kevin and his friend that Harry had been busy all morning but she also knew he was prone to pick at the cannula in his arm she was surprised that he had yet to notice that since he now had Central catheter line instead.

Total parenteral nutrition was hard on the body and the cannula should have been removed after 2 weeks, but she was hoping that he would eat something. After the suicide attempt and him being sedated it was the perfect time to replace it with the central line and for the time being it would be better for his body, blood tests showed that his electrolyte stores were dangerously low and while the feeds he had been having stabilised his weight and stores in the short term it was now no longer a suitable or viable option.

A cyclical regime would continue to be used as although he wasn't really eating it would get him used to meal times again with what were essentially breakfast, lunch time and evening feeds. It would be hard on his body and they would have to increase slowly over the first few days but as he had spent the majority of the first two sedated and then drifting in and out of consciousness he was already day 3 and his body was becoming accustomed to it. Now he just had to explain it to the boy himself and hope he didn't pitch a fit.

Harry felt indifferent, shortly after Hermione had left Callie had come in had explained about the central line. He felt like he should be angry or annoyed or something but he couldn't find the strength to do so. His lunch time feed as his nurse had told him was still running and he had been given his second dose of anti depressants, they suppressed his mood and made him feel fuzzy, but he thought, he couldn't blame them. He had almost died, in his attempt to be pure he had almost died and that was not what he meant to happen.

Eventually he knew he would have to talk properly to the doctors about why he had done what he did, but he was loathe to do so. He knew if he explained everything that happened they would pity him for what happened at the Dursley's and stop his attempts to purify his body. If he wasn't such a...a _freak_ than Vernon would never have touched him.

The evil that grew inside of him touched all those around him and tainted them, that's why he had to be careful. It was for them really, for Hermione he didn't know what he would do if he tainted her too.

Professor Dumbledore was coming in later to see him and he looked forward to it and dreaded it at the same time. He remembered how he had spoken to the man in the past few weeks since being in hospital and felt ashamed, he had every right to be angry at the man but there was no need to be so rude. He was ashamed, they would never let him back to Hogwarts if he behaved like that and being in hospital was ruining all the hard work that he put in after he returned from the Dursley's.

The melancholy thoughts soon drifted away though as the drugs running through his system started to really take effects. Thoughts started to become distant; they were there but not _really _there. It was strange he thought to be both thinking and not thinking. Like staring at you refection in a window, not clear enough to make out the features but still staring back at you.

He thought, though as he snuggled further down into the bed, how nice it was to have seen Hermione and sort things out between the two of them. He had missed her greatly and it felt good to have someone on his side for once.

He wasn't sure how he felt about Ron or the rest of the Gryffindor's they had all abandoned him and though many didn't know about his home life Ron knew some and yet still treated him worse than the dirt on his second hand shoes. No, he thought it was good to have Hermione on his side. With that final thought he drifted off into the first peaceful sleep he had had since the third task.

Harry turned to the door as his Headmaster walked through the door, feeling refreshed after his sleep he had moved back to the chair with a blanket to keep warm. The sun was shining but the goose bumps that covered his skin made it seem more like a winter's day than what would turn out to be the last nice day of the autumn.

He followed the Headmasters movements as he expertly conjured a chair, and taking a seat and a lemon drop from his pocket. He stared at Harry for a few seconds, looking into his very soul and then...

"Harry my boy I have much to tell you..."





A/N a cliffie woohoo!! Sorry for the confusion recently I decided that the first few chapters didn't work, they were too short and just not right so I lengthened and edited and I think they are better for it. For all those who have reviewed already my thanks. For those that haven't hit the button and leave a note with what you think. I love people critiquing my work its how I improve and I want this fic to be as good as possible.

My love xx






	7. Ch6 Revelations

A/N HP is not mine...grrrr!!





_Harry turned to the door as his Headmaster walked through the door, feeling refreshed after his sleep he had moved back to the chair with a blanket to keep warm. The sun was shining but the goose bumps that covered his skin made it seem more like a winter's day than what would turn out to be the last nice day of the autumn._

_He followed the Headmasters movements as he expertly conjured a chair, and taking a seat and a lemon drop from his pocket. He stared at Harry for a few seconds, looking into his very soul and then..._

"_Harry my boy I have much to tell you..."_





Headmasters Office (while Hermione and Harry chat)

Dumbledore settled back in to his chair, he had just returned from dropping the Granger girl off at the hospital and he could only wait to see what happened. He needed the boy to cheer up and return to school. It wasn't good for public morale or for the school if their saviour was out of the public light for too long. Harry needed to return to Hogwarts and fast.

Dumbledore wasn't the greatest wizard of his time for no reason, he was smart incredibly so and every move was calculated to the precise detail in order to ensure the right outcome and this was not what he had planned.

What Callie had said disturbed him greatly, for Harry to attend a school other than Hogwarts was completely unacceptable. He had heard various rumours about St Bernaro's. One doesn't accumulate the type of power he had and not know the small details of the world.

He was telling the truth when he said he didn't know much about the place but he did know some. For example, he knew that most of the kids were muggleborns and that most of them chose to return to the muggle world when they were able to, finishing their schooling as out patients, enabling them to keep their wands and return to the world they came from.

Dumbledore wasn't evil per say, just a wizard with great ambition and the motivation to go out and get it. He had made a great many sacrifices personally and for others. He never intentionally killed but _nudged_ people into place in order to protect himself.

The old man was stumbled out of his thoughts as Fawkes flamed back onto the room and shortly after there was a sharp rap on the door.

"Albus I got your message is anything the matter?" Professor McGonagall asked as she entered the circular office and took the seat in front of the large desk.

She looked up expectantly, it wasn't often that she was summoned by Fawkes, they had a normal meeting time in order to discuss most matters so she knew immediately that it must be something important.

"I have grave news regarding Harry Potter. He made an attempt on his own life Minerva and his doctor wants to transfer him..."

"Surely not to St Bernaro's Albus you know what happens to most that go there."

"I am well aware of it and that is why I have called you here today. I have spent too long positioning that boy and his _family _and I will not have that fall apart know." He took a calming breath glancing round the room at the various trinkets before turning back to face the stern woman.

"That boy has been positioned all along to protect me and he can not do that if he does not return here. The plans that were started so many years ago can not be allowed to fall apart especially not in the wake of Voldemort's return."

He sighed at the subtle flinch of the woman as he said Voldemort's name and held back the subtle rebuke, he needed her after all.

"Miss Granger is working her way back into his good graces is she not? It may be through her that we can manipulate the situation in order to make it appear that Harry is much better than he really is."

"A good plan Minerva but Miss Granger is not in our pockets like those Weasley brats and she is much smarter than both of them. You reported did you not that Granger is no longer speaking to either of the younger Weasley's."

"I know Albus but it is our best shot at getting him back here quickly. Manipulate the little chit so she thinks she is doing what's best and she will be none the wiser. If you allow the transfer it will keep his doctors from becoming suspicious of your motives, say he is off at training and get Severus to make a few potions."

"I believe Minerva that you may be right. It is also time I think to reveal his true heritage to him to help cement his trust in me."

The aged Headmaster looked out the window deep in thought a clear sign of dismissal to the deputy that knew him better than anyone. Revealing Harry's true heritage now was not what he had originally intended but if he could play the role of the saviour up as he had done when Harry first entered the wizarding world it could all go to plan.

He had always known that Harry's home life had not been ideal. The trinkets around the room were not just for show. They monitored a great many things including Harry's physical well being and the state of the blood wards that surrounded his home.

The wards had been deteriorating since the day they were put up and the charm tied directly to Harry while he was there often showed that he was in great physical and emotional pain but there was no way around it. He needed the boy to be humble and willing to serve. To feel he had a duty to those who had saved him from his awful relatives and opened a whole new world.

The Weasley's had been a perfect instrument to that end, willing to lower their morals at the thought of money. Once the youngest son had cemented his friendship with Harry the fees for the Weasley's still at Hogwarts and in Ginevras case still to come had been waved and financial support so they could afford the uniform and other supplies.

Dumbledore detested having to work with the family. They were a disgrace to the wizarding world and the youngest two would have never been able to attend Hogwarts if it hadn't been for his support but they were a means to an end.

The youngest two especially had reported diligently on Harry's life while at Hogwarts and during the summer breaks and changed the tide on Harry's popularity whenever needed. That was why he had allowed them to finally act the way they truly felt about the boy.

When Harry returned he needed to be segregated and completely dependent on the support of the Grandfatherly Headmaster and ultimately will to sacrifice himself if needed to protect the kind old man that had helped him so much.

The prophecy was a fake that he had made up long before Harry was born and adjusted in order to fit the situation. During the first war Voldemort had been focused on eliminating his old Professor who he saw as the last threat to his victory. The leak of the prophecy had sent him off on another trail and given Dumbledore the time he needed in order to recuperate and come up with a new plan.

The scar on Harry's head was cursed into place by himself after he had forced Voldemort to turn into a spiritual state. A clever mix of potion, supplied by Severus and a handy charm and Voldemort's own magic was used against him. It was a shame that both Lily and James had died but sacrifices had to be made.

A few carefully laid out plans ensured his story was believed and Harry left in the care of what was believed to be his only relatives and the world had a new saviour to focus on and peace for a short while at least.

He stood and smoothed his robes ready to step through the floo in order to return Miss Granger to Hogwarts. He had a short while yet before he would talk with Harry and hopefully everything would go his way, as it should.





Harry looked in to the face of the Headmaster he had come to love as a grand father. But the words he had just spoken kept reverberating in his head. _I have much to tell you._

What could he possibly have to say, he knew the old man was disappointed in him, in what he had done. The old man would never come out and say it but he could see it and hear it in his voice and it hurt, more than the scissors had that he used to shred his arm with, subconsciously ge played with the edge of the bandage thinking of the damage he had caused.

"First I would like to talk, or at least let you know my feelings on St Bernaros." At this the small boy perked up hopefully Dumbledore would say that he couldn't go and that Hogwarts was the bestplace for him.

"I know enough of the place to know that they will be able to help you through your recent problems and little enough of the place to know that you will be safe there."

"But I... but I thought... I thought I would be going back to Hogwarts." The small voice sounded strained and tear filled but Dumbledore did not le it deter him.

"I know my boy but I'm sure you will only be away from us for a short while..."

"But what about people knowing who I am, they may not know about his place now but they will if I turn up there."

"That is the second part of what I need to talk to you about. It starts with a letter I received recently from you mother with a time delay spell on it." There was no letter but Harry did not need to know this. "It explained a great many things that I had been wondering about for a while."

"I don't understand Professor what has this got to do with me?"

"A great many things my boy but I think it will be easiest for you if I tell you the news and then explain what happened." He smiled at the boy before him, such eagerness to learn anything about his parents made this all the easier.

"You see my boy although your mother is indeed Lily Potter your father is not James Potter but in fact Regulus Black the younger brother of your Godfather, Sirius."

"I...I don't understand, how is this possible, everyone tells me how much I look like my dad, just like James. How can I not be his son, it doesn't make sense."

"It seems my boy that although your mother married and was very much in love with James she had an affair with Regulus. Not many know that Regulus Black was a spy for the light and was supplying important information about deatheaters to the light side."

"Lily wrote in her letter that not long after her marriage to James Regulus told her how much he loved her and that he wished he could have been with her. One thing led to another and they had an affair that night. Regulus left on a mission that night and was never seen again. Lily was left pregnant and with no idea what to do took a potion that was mixed with a small amount of James blood."

"But Professor how is it that I look so much like James." Disbelief tinged the boys voice along with hope that the nightmare he found himself in was not true. Dumbledore was surprised at how well he was coping with the news but shock was a funny thing.

"The potion my boy hid your true heritage from the world and enabled Lily to carry on with her life as though nothing had happened. When you were born the characteristics you would have had from Regulus were masked by those of James Potter everyone was none the wiser until now.

"I still don't understand why you're telling me this now though what difference this makes why tell me now?"

"Lily also sent a bottle of potion that will return you to how you should have looked if she hadn't taken the original potion. This way you can attend St Bernaro's with no one other than our selves and the doctors knowing who you truly are."

"Do I even get a choice in this Professor or has it already all been planned out." Anger now tinged the voice.

"I'm afraid my boy that this is what will happen, Callie has been informed and I'm sure she will come to speak to you shortly but this will help you to get better and return to us at Hogwarts."

"I'm sorry headmaster I didn't mean to be angry with you it's just so unreal." The boy looked truly apologetic and Dumbledore smirked inwardly, the right tone and look and the boy was like putty in his hands.

"Quite alright my boy, I believe that Callie will give you the potion this evening and move you to St Bernaro's in the morning so have a good rest and I will see you soon I am sure."

At Harry's small nod of acceptance he left the room to floo back to Hogwarts. Once back in his office he allowed himself to smirk fully and let out a small chuckle. The boy was so easy to manipulate, he wanted the approval of those around hi, so much that he was willing to do anything whether he wanted to or not.

The boy need not know that there was no letter and it was his gentle suggestions to Lily all those years ago that caused her to lie to those around her hide the true heritage of he baby. He had know all along who Harry's true father was and the name that Lily would have given her son if she could have revealed him as he truly was.

Dumbledore needed the boy alive and on his side and he was well on his way to ensuring that. Most believed that Regulus Black was a death eater to the core and with public opinion with you one day and against you the next he knew that Harry would put two and two together and figure out hat this news reaching the public was not in his best interest at the moment.

Dumbledore not only needed a scapegoat and puppet for Voldemort to attack instead of him he would need the fortunes of both the Blacks and the Potters to ensure that he won this war and did it from a seat of luxury.

More gentle nudging to Lily had persuaded her to ensure that The Potter fortune was left to Harry even if he wasn't a Potter by blood and James reckless behaviour and trust in his wife had ensured this happened and by blood Harry had the black fortune as well.

The young boy had amassed a massive fortune and by rights that would be Dumbledore's after all it was all for the greater good.





Harry lay on his bed tired from a day full of emotion and revelations. Hermione's visit had been nice it was good to know that there was someone on his side and she knew a little bit of what was going on. Dumbledore's visit however and been shocking and a little disturbing.

To find out that everything he had believed about his family was a lie was hard to digest. He wasn't who he thought he was and in a time where he was struggling so hard to stay a float this just felt like another weight pulling him under.

He could tell that Dumbledore didn't want him spreading this news around. It would destroy any hope he had of anonymity he would have at Bernaro's and he had to admit the idea of going there with no one knowing who he was appealed greatly to him.

He just wished he had a choice in the whole matter, all his decisions were made for him so he supposed this one shouldn't be any different but he had still hope that Dumbledore would come and take him back to Hogwarts.

Callie had come down and they had spent time just sitting with each other. It was something that they did quite often. Callie would come down and they would talk for a while and then she would read or write up notes and he would just sit there taking in the comfort form someone else being in the room with him rather than the stern nurses who checked in to make sure he didn't do anything stupid.

He should expect it he supposed, he almost killed himself after all but he had hoped that he would have a little more freedom. St Bernaro's would be different, he knew, but that scared him in a way, Callie would be around sometimes but not his main doctor and the nurses would be different. There would be other kids, classes to attend and activities to be forced into and it scared him, he didn't know what to expect he wasn't in control and he was scared.

He gradually fell to sleep, the potion to return him to his original state and been given to him along with a mild sleeping draft so that his body would change without him feeling it. He would wake in the morning refreshed and looking completely different.

Callie had promised that she would come and see him before he left and Hermione had promised to owl him in the next couple of days so that he could get used to the new routine. He was looking forward to that, talking to Hermione always cleared his head, she was like a big sister looking out for him with all the answers and he knew now that he could tell her anything including who his father really was.

As the final thought drifted away he fell into a deep restful sleep unaware of the occasional presence of Callie coming in to check his condition unwilling to leave it to any one else.





A/N another chapter and I hope you like it. Thanks to all those who have reviewed, and added this to a c2 favourite or alert list it makes writing this much more enjoyable.

Love to you all xx






	8. Ch7 St Bernaro's

A/N I wished Harry Potter was mine but it's not...*sigh*

Any suggesstions or criticisms are most welcomed!!

**

**

He gradually fell to sleep, the potion to return him to his original state and been given to him along with a mild sleeping draft so that his body would change without him feeling it. He would wake in the morning refreshed and looking completely different.

Callie had promised that she would come and see him before he left and Hermione had promised to owl him in the next couple of days so that he could get used to the new routine. He was looking forward to that, talking to Hermione always cleared his head, she was like a big sister looking out for him with all the answers and he knew now that he could tell her anything including who his father really was.

As the final thought drifted away he fell into a deep restful sleep unaware of the occasional presence of Callie coming in to check his condition unwilling to leave it to any one else.

**

**

It had been a week and a half since his true heritage had been revealed and Harry had been transferred to St Bernaro's. Initially the young wizard had stayed in the high supervision area in order to ensure that he made no more attempts on his life.

Tonight was hopefully the last night he would spend in this area of the institution. His doctor Kevin Fortson felt that although he had not worked through the issues surrounding the attempt it was unlikely that he would do it again. It was Kevin's hope that being with kids his own age in similar situations would allow the troubled teen to open up more.

So with the thought of more freedom in mind Harry settled down to go to sleep and a day of change to look forward to.

**

**

"Lights out," the night nurse yelled down the corridor and moved to the switch board to dim all the lights in the section.

Mark, a young nurse had been working in St Bernaro's for little over a year and knew that although night duty was quieter than day it could have it's fair share of problems. Making his way back to the nurses station he picked up two cups of coffee for him and the other nurse Jack.

They both worked nights together most of the time and had a system set up to make it as easy as possible and that started with a strong cup of coffee.

"So anything new tonight?" Jack asked after sipping his coffee.

"The kid in four, err... Damien Black is moving over to the main ward tomorrow but that's it I think." The small smirk on Marks face had Jack groaning into his hands and soon turned into a small chuckle.

"That's all he says like he doesn't know that something time consuming happens every time we have someone move. Well you can do the paperwork this time." The silly grins showed anyone watching that the two had a strong friendship.

"Ah don't worry nothing will happen tonight my mood is too good to be spoiled." Luck however was not on his side as a blood curdling scream rang down the corridor.

"You just had to jinx it didn't you?" Mark replied as they made their way down the corridor to do room checks to find out what happened.

As the two nurses looked into room four they immediately learned the cause of the disturbance. The two made their way into the young boy's room and turned on the lights to see him in the midst of a nightmare thrashing and mumbling.

"Go call the on call Jack while I try to calm him down," Mark moved to the boy's side and paused to find out what the boy was saying.

"No...please no don't do this...Uncle please it's wrong." Pain filled gasps and then the boy started to calm and Mark lightly shook his shoulder to rouse him completely. The soft gasp and flinch was expected and Mark had a good idea of what his Uncle was doing but he hoped he was wrong.

"Whats g-going on?"Damien questioned through a jaw cracking yawn.

"You were having a pretty violent nightmare young man." The on call, a Dr Heaves, replied, "Care to tell me what it was about."

As expected the young boy turned away and refused to say anything, a report would be made and his own Dr would talk about it in therapy, knowing now wasn't necessary.

"Well take these for me Damien and try to rest." The Dr held out familiar tablets and Damien formally known as Harry Potter fell into a dreamless sleep.

The tree walked out of the room and said goodnight to each other before Jack made his way off to do the rounds before coffee and Mark sat down to fill out the tedious paperwork to be sent the Damien's therapist Kevin Fortson.

**

**

Damien sat in front of his therapist, Kevin, staring out the window ignoring the questions he was being asked as he had done every session for three days.

"Damien I know this is hard but you will feel better if you tell me. Allow yourself to accept help, it is not a sign of weakness." Kevin could see the anger and sadness flitter across the boys face but he did not expect what happened next.

Damien launched himself out of his chair and began pacing the room before turning to Kevin.

"It will help will it? You can change what happened can you? You have no idea...you can't even imagine... I can't...it won't help... he..and i... I WAS WEAK... I COULDN'T STOP HIM." He crumbled to the floor, tears streaming down his cheeks. "He raped me and I was to weak to stop him. I deserved it if I hadn't..."

Tears wracked the young mans frames as Kevin moved to comfort the boy falling apart on the floor. The sobs quietened as Kevin tried to reassure the boy, no young man and sobs died down to occasional sniffles.

"I tried so hard to be good." Quietly mumbled and almost missed by the shocked therapist.

**

**

Kevin sat at his desk wondering how so much pain seemed to have happened to one person. He thought this about every new patient, how can anybody fall so far, but in this case he was starting to see that Damien had not fallen he had been pushed.

He had met Damien back when he was still known as Harry Potter, and the circumstances surrounding his change of identity was very suspicious. He was uncertain whether to believe what the old headmaster had said. It was too much of a coincidence that at the same time Damien was to be transferred to St Bernaro's that it's discovered his father was not who he had believed he was.

Kevin knewe the story that surrounded the _boy-who-lived _everyone in the wizarding world did but apparently none new of the severe abuse he had experienced at home or depression that had settled around him over the course of his life.

Kevin was stumped he need more information and he knew where to get it from, his relatives and teachers dating back to primary school and any he had atHogwarts. He wanted to know every detail about this kid before they had another session.

**

**

In another part of St Bernaro's Harry or Damien, he had to remember he was Damien now, was sat behind a desk with a number of other kids his age or there about. After the session with Kevin and his accidental admission he decided the best course of action was to ignore what happened so when asked he decided to go to his English lesson.

Damien had always loved English lessons, they always got the chance to write a poem or short story and for that period of time he could pretend that he was some one else somewhere else.

After leaving the higher supervision area he had been moved to the Blue section. There were five sections and each section was a colour with 10 or 15 boys and then the same for the girls on the other side of the building.

Once there and settled he had to complete a number of tests in both magical and muggle subjects to sort out which lessons he was behind in and what subjects he wanted to take while he was there.

For the meantime he was told he would be in muggle lessons only as he was much further behind in those. But also because of his physical state, although he had started to eat small meals he still had to have a bag overnight to ensure he was getting enough nutrients. They had said once he was physically stronger he could resume using magic.

For the meantime however he was relatively happy, or as happy as he felt he could be given the circumstances. He enjoyed English and math and geography and was disappointed when he realised that none of his old subjects were offered at Hogwarts.

**

**

Things at Hogwarts had changed drastically unbeknownst to Damien...

Ron Weasley was in Heaven, no Potter to get in the way and steal his thunder!! Ron had always known he was better than that brat and it was his time to shine.

Dumbledore had finally given him permission to stop acting like the best friend of that idiot. Potter had no idea that him and the rest of the Weasley's were paid to befriend him and that their meeting each other was an elaborate set up.

Seriously why would purebloods lower themselves to go via the _muggle _entrance to the train when they could travel by floo? Sometimes he thought that boy was thicker than Longbottom.

Since the great idiot had left things had been so much easier for Ron. For one he didn't have to hang out with Granger anymore, that girl had always annoyed him getting better marks than him and she was practically a muggle. He knew that his family wasn't well respected amongst the other purebloods but he had more decency than his mother and father.

Ginny to was more of a traditional pureblood but they had to hide their views because of their family. None of the family liked Potter but they didn't mind about muggle's or muggleborn's. His parents mainly hated Potter because of his family wealth.

The Potter's had always been to stuck up to socialise with the Weasley's and they had so much compared to his family but they never helped them out.

No, Ron Weasley knew that this was now his time to shine and he would start by getting, a girlfriend and then see if he could copy Grangers work and say it was his own, and then he wanted to destroy Potter's reputation and finally everyone would see him as they should. Everyone should know that he, Ron Weasley was the real saviour!!

**

**

Up in Dumbledore's office things were not going as planned though. He had hit a major glitch in the proceedings.

It was him and not Voldemort that had been sending Harry visions and his useful spy Snape had been feeding Voldemort false information to trick Potter into believing that the link was real.

Oh he knew and had known all along that the boy was really a Black, but to him he would always be Potter. It had been him that had placed the boy with the Dursley's and he had circumvented Lily's will to do so.

The will had stated that the boy was to be sent to an orphanage before he was sent to those people but Dumbledore had him placed there anyway. He knew they would be the perfect ones to beat the boy into submission and the money on the side certainly helped matters but he hadn't expected them to practically kill the boy.

Maybe a short visit to their house was in order to remind them of their place. But that could wait first he had to work out why the boy wasn't receiving any of the visions he was trying to send. When the potion had revealed his true appearance the scar had remained as it was placed on the boy.

But unless there was regular contact either by him or by indirectly by the visions then the scar would eventually fade as the curse failed and he could not allow that to happen. Unfortunately he had no way of getting to the boy, the location of St Bernaro's was kept secret and only those invited could enter and he had been told by that ruddy doctor that there would be no contact except via post until the boys condition had improved.

Ruddy doctors didn't know of the importance of that boy and nor would anyone unless they were securely under his thumb. Riddle for example lost his mind when he tried to get from under his thumb and was now a scapegoat for all things wrong in the wizarding world. He chuckled to himself at how well the tide had turned against Riddle and anyone that went against him.

**

**

Harry was currently sitting on a sofa in the _living room _in the blue section. With him were the 12 other boys that were in his section although only four were his year group. All were in St Bernaro's for a slightly different reasons but they were all in this room for the same reason. Group.

Once a week they all sat down together and could discuss anything on their minds. As a section it was up to them to support each other and keep their area of the building clean. The group was meant to be a small community within the larger community and was set up to get the kids there to help each other and learn to both support and be supported.

Two members of the therapy team sat on the group meeting in order to supervise but this was one session that was meant to be completely led by the kids. This week it was Kevin and another doctor that Damien didn't know overseeing the meeting.

This was the first meeting that Damien had attended and he admitted to himself that he was a little nervous. He didn't have long to dwell as Kevin quickly called the group to order.

"Right everyone, you should have all read the rules as you have them in front of you and we expect them to be abided by. This is your time to talk freely as a group so off you go."Kevin offered Damien a small smile as he retook his seat.

"Right well I have something I want to say" That was Joshua Patterson if Damien remembered correctly, he really needed to learn these boys names.

"It's about Damien actually. You never help tidy the common room areas or talk to any of us and I know you haven't been here long but it's like you think that you're to good for us or something".

Damien for his part just sat there, he never had been good at making friends and he certainly didn't want to make friends here. Hell he wasn't even going to stay that long, why bother making friends. They would hate him once they really knew him anyway so what was the point.

"This is what we mean though Kevin." That was James...possibly. Not that Damien understood what he meant he must have missed part of the conversation.

"He never responds at all it's like he doesn't even hear us and it's bloody annoying."

"Damien....Damien," I looked up. "What do you have to say to this."

"I...err... I don't."

"Damien you read the rules this is time to talk and address problems and the rest of you group would like to hear what you have to say." Kevin was being patient he knew it took time to settle in but he hadn't realised that Damien had made no effort to talk to anyone.

"Damien it's not time to leave can you sit back down please."

"No this is rubbish." With that Damien stormed out the room slamming the door behind him.

Kevin nodded to the other doctor who quickly took over in order to enable him to go to Damien. It didn't take long before he found the boy in his room.

Although whether it could still be called a room was another question. There were things every where as though a tornado had been through the room and sat in the corner was Damien scratching at his arm.

How he had managed to do this all so quickly was anybody's guess but Kevin though the most likely option was accidental magic, uncommon at his age but not unheard of. Kevin moved quickly to the phone in the hallway for internal calls and asked for assistance and then moved back into the room.

He tried talking to the young boy in front of him who looked even smaller tucked in the corner but got nothing in response not even when he restrained him to stop the scratching. It was like he wasn't even in the room and Damien's eyes were so vacant and sad.

He was relived when two nurses walked into the room and the quickly sedated the boy and had him under the covers of his bed. With his arms wrapped in a light bandage and his face relaxed he looked more like a normal boy but the sedative was a quick fix to prevent the self harm.

Kevin dimmed the lights and moved out of the room, it was early evening but he would likely sleep through the night after the _excitement _of the afternoon. This child had some major issues to work through before he would be going anywhere.

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A/N Another chapter down and my plot bunny is evading me. I'm not sure where to go next or how this will deveop but hopefully I will soon

Thanks for all the reviews, but I wouldn't say no to some more hint hint.

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	9. Ch 8 Shocks

_It was like he wasn't even in the room and Damien's eyes were so vacant and sad._

_He was relieved when two nurses walked into the room and the quickly sedated the boy and had him under the covers of his bed. With his arms wrapped in a light bandage and his face relaxed he looked more like a normal boy but the sedative was a quick fix to prevent the self harm._

_Kevin dimmed the lights and moved out of the room, it was early evening but he would likely sleep through the night after the __excitement __of the afternoon. This child had some major issues to work through before he would be going anywhere._

*

*

A number of weeks had passed since the disastrous group meeting and progress in some ways had been made. Damien was now eating fully on his own, all the tubes had been removed and he was sustaining his own weight even if he wasn't gaining any.

Muggle lessons were also going well, Damien applied himself in and out of class and he was swiftly catching up with those his age.

However there was one place where they had come to a stand still – therapy. Damien had stopped talking for the most part whether it was his dr, classmates, teachers or nurses. It was frustrating to say the least and Kevin was at a loss as to what to do.

The boy had little contact with anyone regardless of who they were and this was halting his progress. His sessions had been stepped up from every other day to daily but nothing seemed to crack his hard exterior.

*

*

"Ah Damien come and take a seat we'll start in just a moment."

Damien entered the room, dropped his bag by the door and took his usual seat on the edge of the sofa, sat up straight poised to run at any given moment.

"I'd like you to take a look at these Damien and tell me what you think." Kevin passed over some paper and parchment and sat back waiting.

Damien flicked through confused as to why he had been given old reports from when he was at school both muggle and Hogwarts . He looked up confusion written on his face but Kevin just waited.

"Why have you given me these, what's the point?"

At last he speaks! "I found them interesting, in all you, from those, seem to persistently get mediocre grades, nothing spectacular but enough to pass and yet here you have flourished in your studies catching up and in some cases surpassing your peers."

"I don't want to talk about it, any of it, stop tricking me in to telling you stuff, just leave me alone." Panting he stood and moved towards the door , opening it to find a male nurse leaning against the wall stand in the way.

"You're not leaving Damien," a voice behind him said. "Sit back down we need to talk."

The door shut with a soft click in his face courtesy of the nurse but Damien made no attempt to move.

"Why should I talk to you, all you ever do is tell me what to do or drug me why should I even bother anymore."

"Because I can help, if you trust me."

A long pause, Kevin was unsure what Damien would do and then a soft voice came, "I wish I had died, sometimes I wish I could just curl up and die and that would solve all my problems and then I remember Hermione. She's like my sister and I don't want to disappoint her but I still wish sometimes.

He turned silent tears falling down his face and he took a step towards the sofa again. "I'm not as stupid and naive as people think I am. I know that Ron isn't my friend really I've known for a while but he was who I thought of as my first friend and I couldn't bear to give that up."

Damien was now sat on the sofa again looking into his lap hands twisting but Kevin couldn't bear to interrupt now that he was finally talking.

"Dumbledore's not all he would like me to believe I know that he must have known before this that James was not my father. The strangest thing though is that I get these flashes sometimes of things I don't remember and he is always in them holding his wand but it's never enough to see what happens."

Suddenly the boy looked up catching his Dr's eyes the haunted look sending shivers down his spine, "He did something to me I can feel it and I want to no what."

Kevin couldn't help but reassure the boy and a week later the aged headmasters spell was finally broken the famous scar fading from view. With the constant reminder of his mothers death removed from his face and the twisted magic of another removed from his brain the boy visibly lightened.

It was no miracle cure, he still ate barely enough to support himself and spoke rarely but the heavy look was gone from his mind and it showed.

The healer that finally removed the spell, said it had warped so much that it's original intent and caster could not be confirmed but that what was known was that it prayed on the darker thoughts in his mind intensifying the feelings and bad dreams causing his depression to worsen.

It was not the cause, removal was not the cure but it had and would continue to help his recovery.

*

*

With higher spirits than Damien had had in a long time he wrote to Hermione his surrogate sister. The two kept up an almost constant correspondence, with Hermione relaying all the goings on at Hogwarts.

Damien was saddened to hear of Ron and Ginny's behaviour but it was not unexpected. The twins and Bill and Charlie were the only ones that ever truly liked him, the rest were consumed by jealousy and greed.

What he had said to Kevin was true, he may have portrayed the naive hero but he was much more than that. The flashes of memories had slowed and were likely never to return completely but the knowledge that the prophecy and boy-who-lived thing was fake had angered and saddened him. His life had been ruined for a lie.

Hermione continued to be a big support to him, their conversation at the hospital had shown him what she was really like and this helped hime to open up more to her. He knew that she was truly his first real friend not Ron.

He wished sometimes that he had never entered the wizarding world, although he escaped Vernon for most of the year what happened ay Hogwarts was sometimes much worse, at least he knew what expect from the Dursley's.

Therapy continued much as it had in the past he said little but he did now speak every session, it was progress, or so Kevin said, but it was slow. He tried to open up but he couldn't, it eas not something that he wanted to admit.

His life had been shit but now he wanted to move on, leave if he could, but he knew that was impossible Dumbledore would never let him go.

They talked about why he wanted to die and what he though it would acomplish, they even talked about how he would do it. But he refused to talk about his life with the Dursley's, he had let enough slip as it was and he wasn't about to do it again. No one really wanted to hear it anyway, it would disgust them or they would think he desereved it. It may have taken a while for him to truly open his eyes to those around him, but he knew deep down what had been going on. And he knew that no wanted to hear about his sorry life.

Nightmares however played out the worst parts of his childhood from the beatings to the rape and most nights he took medication to help him sleep.

Sometime he felt like a nutter, if someone shook him he would surely rattle, he was on tablets to stabilise his mood, help his appetite, anti-depressants, sleep aids and extra if he got to stressed throughout the day.

Recently though he had made a friend within the blue group and that changed some things.

*

*

"_You know if you take those like this you can spit them out later." Alex he thought, whispered from the his side."_

"_What are you talking about," Damien muttered back._

"_I'm on much the same as you but if you hide them under your top lip you can take them back out." He stuck out his hand, "Alex by the way."_

"_Damien," he replied as he shook the hand._

"_Come on lets take a walk."_

_They walked out to the courtyard. Damien wrapped his jacket tight to keep his frail body _

_warm._

"_All those tablets make you feel so spaced out that I don't take mine anymore."_

_Damien looked thoughtful considering what the other said, "They make me feel dull, like _

_being wrapped in cotton wool, I can see everything but I can't feel it."_

"_That's how I felt so I stopped, you know you're not that bad for a shorty."_

"_Hey I'm not short you're just...just abnormally tall."_

_They both broke out in to laughter for the first time in a while_

*

*

From then the two had been inseparable, they had the same classes, share the same common room and hung out during breaks. That however was what worried Kevin the two never left each others side it seemed even at medication time he was told.

Damien had lost a small amount of weight, not enough to be worried about but any was a worry. Kevin sat back for now but he would keep an eye on the two new friends.

Damien it seemed was making progress, his work improved though he lost concentration at times it was reported though he wasn't too worried about that his medication may need tweaking but it may not.

But more importantly the boy was socialising for the first time really since he arrived he was willingly talking to someone and making the first move.

They boy seemed lighter since that time two weeks ago in the courtyard. But Kevin couldn't help but feel a nagging concern that something wasn't quite right.

*

*

He was right it seemed.

As he stood there at the young boys funeral he wondered if he or one of the other Dr's had missed something that would explain why this had happened. The boy had seemed to make some progress but he apparently had them all fooled.

This one like so many others had been through so much at such a young age. Abuse from what seemed like all angles and then his perceived abandonment here had seemed like the last straw.

When he made his first friend it had seemed like a turning point. An unusual match it seemed but it had worked apparently. The bug question though was where had he got all the pills to take an overdose, they were all watched how had it happened?

An enquiry was set and questions would be asked but he couldn't think about that now, as the lowered the body he looked up and into Damien's eyes and wondered how the kid was doing with the loss of Alex.

The doors to the bus opened and they all filed back into St Bernaro's, not may had gone to the funeral only those that had been close with the boy and weren't flight risks, but he was glad to be back he had work to do and files to sort, he thanked the stars that Alex wasn't on his case load, selfishly he thought he couldn't deal with all the mess.

He had barley settled behind his desk when the door was opened and reclosed. Before he could open his mouth Damien spoke.

"It's all my fault". Kevin stood and knelt swiftly in front of the teen looking in to his down cast eyes.

"This is not your fault Damien no one could have known."

"But it is you don't understand, we weren't taking our meds, we were faking and I gave him mine, he said he would get rid of them. If it wasn't for me he wouldn't have had enough."

Shock. That was all he could feel right now, but the distraught teen in front of him needed him and that was all that mattered right now. He guided the teen to his sofa and rang for some sleeping tablets.

"Take these Damien we'll talk about this later."

Thankfully the teen did without argument and was soon asleep being lifted back to his room.

Kevin sighed, he was getting a headache and it was going to get worse he knew it.

*

*

Damien slipped into a new depression after Alex hed died. He blamed himself for what had happened. Both with supplying the drugs and not seeing what was really happening.

Kevin was worried he knew, he had continued to slowly lose weight, barely noticeable but there all the same. He wooried all the time that they would ship him off to a hospital and lock him in a padded cell or reattach the drip but he couldn't help it.

Nothing it seemed could pull him out of his stupor so here he sat in his room waiting for some thing, he didn't know what, to happen. Dazed and expreesionless, the occasional shiver wraked his thin frame. And then he felt it, an arm on his shoulder and he was pulled into a hug.

"Oh Dami, you seem so sad." Hemione, his sister was here.

He fiercely returned the hug, not letting go for dear life.

*

*

AN a short one I know but I cant think of where to go with this so here it is. I may stop altogether if I have no inspiration, this is naf at the moment but I needed to put something up!!


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